


this bed feels cold without you

by Balthamos



Series: my home is wherever you are [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Homesickness, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-09-07 03:01:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20302357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: Earlier that day, when they’d all gone to the airport to see him off, all of them, Abdi, Carlos, Jonas, Amira, and even Laura had all promised to take care of Matteo. But not one of them asked if he was going to be ok, no one was going to take care of him. Everyone thought he would be fine, did they think that he wouldn’t miss Matteo? That it wasn’t absolutely killing him inside, the thought of not seeing him everyday, falling asleep in his arms every night, waking up beside him every morning. Not being able to just talk to him, about anything and everything. Matteo was the one person who truly knew David, knew every little thing about him, and loved him implicitly, without doubt or hesitation. And David was leaving him behind.





	1. day 1 - an ocean between us

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as the following prompt:
> 
> "'the bed feels cold without you' maybe like after an argument or like time away from each other where neither of them know how to express how much they've missed each other when they first see each other again?"
> 
> I started writing David coming home from a year abroad, and then the background grew so much bigger than the prompt, and before I knew it, it had become a full blown future fic with original characters and everything.

When David broke the news to everyone that he had gotten a place at a film school in New York for his placement year, they were all worried. Worried that Matteo wouldn’t be able to handle it. That he would spiral, lose it, not cope. Worried that he would stop functioning, fall into an extended depressive episode. 

By the time David was ready to leave there was an action plan in place. Jonas would be moving into their little apartment for a few days a week, so that he could keep an eye on him. So that he was ready to watch over him in the impending episode they all kept predicting. Hanna was more than happy about it, in fact she would probably end up staying over too. They all cared so much.

His therapist had offered extra sessions. They’d even warned student services that Matteo’s risk of a depressive episode was significantly higher due to a change in his personal circumstances. 

Don’t get him wrong David was in complete agreement, the idea of leaving Matteo for nine months, to go across the world, terrified him. He knew Matteo hated being alone, was terrified of loneliness. So he was reassured that Matteo would have people looking out for him while he was away.

The only person who wasn’t worried about Matteo was Matteo himself. And David trusted him, if Matteo knew he could handle it, then he could handle it. He was a lot stronger than everyone gave him credit for. Hell he’d been through a lot more than a temporary long distance relationship with his boyfriend of two years, and he’d made it through, a little bruised and battered but whole, and stronger for it. 

He was doing so much better, doing things that he’d never even dreamt of. For one thing, just the idea of going to school again, two years ago? Matteo would have laughed in his face. But there he was studying computer science, part-time, two and a half days a week. He’d made it through his first year with top grades, and would be starting his second in a few weeks. At the same time David would start his third. It was going to take Matteo at least five years to graduate. But it didn’t worry either of them. Matteo always did go at a slower pace than most. 

In addition to school Matteo still worked at the cafe, doing flexible shifts, Sofia loved him and the help he offered to keep her cafe running, so she and pretty much allowed him to choose his work schedule. So yeah, Matteo was doing well, and David couldn’t be more proud. If he said he could handle it, David didn’t question him.

Earlier that day, when they’d all gone to the airport to see him off, all of them, Abdi, Carlos, Jonas, Amira, and even Laura had all promised to take care of Matteo. But not one of them asked if he was going to be ok, no one was going to take care of him. Everyone thought he would be fine, did they think that he wouldn’t miss Matteo? That it wasn’t absolutely killing him inside, the thought of not seeing him everyday, falling asleep in his arms every night, waking up beside him every morning. Not being able to just talk to him, about anything and everything. Matteo was the one person who truly  _ knew _ David, knew every little thing about him, and loved him implicitly, without doubt or hesitation. And David was leaving him behind.

_ The night before... _

_ They'd been out for drinks earlier at some bar David didn’t know the name of. A send off for him. The entire squad, all the girls, the boys, the film squad, Hans, Laura, everyone. Things had gotten rowdy pretty quickly, with everyone singing his praises and telling him how well he was going to do in America. How proud they all were of him. How he would become a famous director and forget all about his friends. As if that were possible. Nobody seemed surprised when neither Matteo nor David really pertook in the festivities. _

_ Neither did they say anything when the two of them made their excuses pretty early in the evening.  _

_ They hid themselves away, in their room, in their little apartment, their home. Just laying together, just quietly present in each others company. After all what was there to say? _

_ David was so terrified, terrified of leaving Matteo, his sister, everyone. His family, as crazy as it was sometimes, he loved them all dearly. And now he was leaving them all behind, he would essential be alone for almost a year.  _

_ “I'm going to be ok,” Matteo said, after a while. _

_ He reached out and entwined their fingers, letting out a sigh. With his free hand, he wrapped his arm around the back of Matteo’s head, threading his fingers through his hair and tilting his head so their foreheads were touching. _

_ “Yeah?” There was a lump in his throat but David refused to cry.  _

_ “Yeah, I'll still have everyone else. Who will you have?” Matteo asked. _

_ Of course Matteo’s only worry had been for him, he’d voiced it before, but now everything seemed a lot more real. _

_ “I'm so scared Matteo,” David admitted, closing his eyes, and just breathing in Matteo. It was his favourite source of comfort. _

_ “You’re so brave though,” Matteo said, nudging his forehead against David’s until he opened his eyes again. _

_ “But I don't make friends easily, and I don’t want to be alone, I don't want to be lonely,” he confessed. _

_ “Nope, not true,” Matteo argued. “What about all your friends at Uni? What about the film squad? What about everyone from the LGBT group? You started at film school by yourself two years ago, and you were just fine. Hell you were more than fine. You were fucking fantastic, top of the class, and you were so active in the LGBT group they practically put you in charge. And everyone you meet fucking loves you David. They naturally love you, they’re drawn to you. Everyone will want to be your friend, I’m certain of it.” _

_ Matteo and David still saw him very differently, but these days he tended to ignore his doubts and trust Matteo’s view of him. It was a much nicer view. _

_ “Ok what if all my roommates or coursemates are transphobes then?”  _

_ That was always his niggling fear when meeting new people, probably always would be. _

_ Matteo paused, thinking about his answer carefully. Clearly it was something he worried about too. _

_ “You report them,” he said, but he sounded doubtful. _

_ “And if nothing happens?” _

_ Matteo paused again. _

_ “You sue the school?” he suggested. _

_ “Sue the school?” David repeated. _

_ “Yeah it's America? Isn’t that what they do for fun there?” Matteo joked, trying to lighten the mood somewhat. _

_ “True,” David agreed. _

_ “But anyway they won't be, you've already talked online to the housemates. They seemed cool didn’t they? And your school does have a tolerance and equality policy. And like I said, everyone loves you, instantly,” Matteo said. _

_ “Yeah maybe I’m just being paranoid,” David said. _

_ Matteo shook his head.  _

_ “Not paranoid, sensible. But if anyone gives you shit, let me know I'll be on the first flight over,” Matteo said, grinning. _

_ David laughed at that. _

_ “To do what exactly?” _

_ “I don't know mope and sulk until they see the error of their ways?” Matteo suggested. _

_ “Great I feel so much better now,” David said, voice laden with sarcasm. _

_ “Good, Matteo said, yawning widely. “You're going to be just fine, you know? I know you will. And you’re going to learn so much, and come back here and be the best filmmaker in Germany. And you’ll get famous and rich and then I can finally retire,” he said with a sigh, before yawning again. _

_ He would be asleep soon. _

_ David laughed again, this boy had barely worked yet. _

_ “That's the plan is it?” he asked him. _

_ Matteo nodded. _

_ “It’s going to be so hard,” David said. _

_ “Yes, yes it is, but we'll get through it. We’ve been through a lot David, and we’re still good. We’re solid yeah?” _

_ “Yeah, we are,” David agreed. _

_ They would be fine, they had this. _

David hadn't cried at the airport, everyone else was, Jonas and Carlos were particularly tearful, but he stayed strong. He didn't cry on the plane. Even now, alone in his little room that would be his home for the next nine months, he still didn't cry. 

The apartment was half the size of the WG, in fact it wasn’t a lot bigger than his and Matteo’s current apartment. And there were four of them sharing. But that was New York, he supposed.

His roommates did seem nice, David needn’t have worried. Zach was the only American, but from somewhere rural in Montana, if David was remembering correctly. This was his first time in a big city, so David was actually more adjusted than he was. He was only eighteen, it was his first year of college, and his first time away from home. 

But he’d needed to get away, staying home had stopped being an option for him. David knew this situation well, it had been his own once, and then he’d seen it countless times once he joined the LGBT group back at uni in Berlin. 

Zach couldn’t live at home any longer, so he’d applied to a Uni far away. But he’d been late in his application, delayed by the difficulties at home, so he’d missed out on university accommodation. Zach had told him all this in detail, but at the same time he’d been quite vague. David knew not to push, knew Zach would open up in time.

Then there was Ines and Ana from Portugal. They were on their placement year the same as David, they were studying engineering at the same university in Porto, and were already good friends. They made sure to include David and Zach in their conversations, although they did have to keep reminding each other to switch back to English so the two boys could keep up.

So here he was, in his home for the next nine months. Away from Matteo. Away from Laura. From Jonas, and Amira. From Felix and Amelia. Hans and Linn. From everyone. But mostly Matteo.

He’d unpacked his small bag of stuff, and tried to personalise the room as much as he could. But it was no use. He sat down on his bed and dropped his head into his hands. He was determined not to cry, but it was going to be hard.

A moment later his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was already eleven at night in Berlin, but Matteo was still up and calling him.

“Hey,” David whispered.

“Hey,” Matteo whispered back, his voice scratchy and tired.

Matteo had been crying, probably hadn't stopped since the airport, that much was obvious from one word. David heard him sniffle and realised he was still crying, and that was all it took. His shoulders started to shake as the tears began to run down his cheeks. 

He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down, he wanted to talk to Matteo, tell him it was ok, wanted Matteo to reassure him too, but he just couldn’t get any words out.

“I miss you,” Matteo said.

“Matteo I don’t think I can do this,” David admitted.

For the first time in his life, David was homesick.

When he’d left home, the first time, at age sixteen all he’d felt was relief. That he finally had somewhere safe, where he could finally be himself. Without the overbearing shadow of his parents’ constant disappointment. The house he’d left hadn’t been his home for a long time. That family hadn’t been his either, not really, not if they didn’t care enough to even try and understand him. Not if they placed a condition on their love for him. But he’d made his own now and he missed it.

“You can though,” Matteo countered.

“Nine months Matteo,” David whined.

He knew he could do this, knew he was stubborn and competitive enough that no matter how bad he felt he would see the year out. He knew that it would be worth it too, that this kind of experience could kickstart his career. And he would meet so many people. And living in a different country would be exciting. But he didn’t have to like it. He was allowed to complain.

“Once you settle in, make all those friends who’ll love you, once you start having fun, it will fly by. I’m sure of it,” Matteo insisted.

He sniffled again and David was pretty sure he was running his hand over his face.

“I don’t think so,” David was doubtful, this year was going to be long, he was certain of that.

“How are the roommates? Do I need to come over and throw hands?” Matteo asked, deciding to go for distraction to pull David out of his wallowing.

“Oh I would love to see that babe, trust me,” David said, finally smiling, “but no, everyone is nice. Ana and Ines are on placement like me, but from Portugal. Engineering so you’d probably get on well. And Zach is… sweet… a little quiet, he’s a runaway I think…”

“A runaway?” Matteo asked, confused.

“He’s moved here from a different state, he needed to get away from whatever was at home, I don’t know. I didn’t push, but I don’t get the impression he’ll be going home much for family visits,” he explained.

“You should look after him then,” Matteo said, his mother hen instincts kicking in. 

“He’s eighteen, not eight,” David clarified.

“Practically a baby! Still, maybe he needs-”

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. 

“Yeah?” David called out

“Hi David, it’s uh… it’s Zach, we were just wondering-”

“You can come in,” David called out, he was comfortable on the bed now and didn’t want to move, but it was hard to talk through a closed door.

The door opened and Zach stepped into the room.

“Oh hi, sorry I didn’t realise you were on the phone, I’m sorry, I’ll just-”

“No don’t worry it’s just my boyfriend Matteo,” David explained, sitting up.

Zach seemed extra nervous, wringing his hands. Matteo began to shout down the phone.

“Just your boyfriend? Just your boyfriend? Excuse me but you’re the one who was crying not ten minutes ago and-”

David rolled his eyes and switched on loudspeaker.

“Matteo you’re on speaker, say hi to Zach,” David told him.

“Oh uh… hi Zach,” he said quietly in English.

“Hi,” Zach said, he was worrying his lip, he looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t know how to say it.

“Everything ok?” David asked, when Zach had been staring at the phone in his hand for some time.

“Uh… yeah. Yeah er… Ines and Ana want to go explore, get some food and stuff, did you wanna come?”

David did not, David wanted to lay in bed and mope.

“You should go,” Matteo said quietly.

“Yeah I think I will,” David agreed, “Can I get another ten minutes?” he asked Zach.

Zach nodded, still staring a little,before he shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and backed out of the room.

“Talkative type?”

“Even less talkative than you,” David said.

“Hmm, give him time then, must be daunting,” Matteo said.

“Anyway, I guess I’m going out,” David sighed, but he knew it would be good for him.

“Yeah, I should sleep,” Matteo said, yawning. 

“Can you?” David asked, rummaging through the clothes he’d unpacked for something suitable to wear.

“I don’t know,” Matteo admitted.

“Are you in bed?”

“Yeah, I’m so tired but…”

“Yeah,” David agreed. He knew what he meant.

They were so used to sharing a bed that sleeping alone seemed like an impossible concept.

“It’s cold,” Matteo said, “the bed, without you here it’s cold.”

“I’m sorry Matteo,” David said.

“Nothing to be sorry for-” he broke off to yawn

“Still I miss you,” he said.

“You too,” Matteo said.

He yawned again.

“Go to sleep Matteo,” David murmured.

He stayed on the line for twenty minutes, there was nothing left to say really. But that’s what they did every night when they were together, just lay there quietly until they fell asleep.This was the closest thing he could offer. Plus just listening to him breathing until his breaths evened out and David could tell he was asleep, was comforting to him. 

He took a deep breath and hung up the phone, then got up from the bed and stepped out of his room,

Ines, Ana and Zach were waiting for him on the sofas.

“Everything ok?” Ines asked.

“Yeah just… yeah,” David said.

“Ready to go?”

“Let’s go,” David said.

Matteo was right, he could do this.


	2. settle down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But David wasn’t sleeping either. David was exhausted too. It was one in the morning and he was lying awake, like he had every night. No one thought of that, because everyone thought he would be fine.

How long was it supposed to take until things got easier? David didn’t know. He’d been in classes all week, he’d hung out with his roommates every evening, they were each taking it in turns to cook for each other. Matteo had already promised to help him remotely when it came to his turn. Ana’s cooking was amazing so David was pretty worried.

He was staying busy with school, he loved all his classes, his professors and classmates were great, and was brainstorming his end of year project already. He’d joined the equivalent LGBT society at the school too, so he would be busy socially, and could make friends outside of class. And it wasn’t just a distraction, he really was enjoying himself. 

But it hurt, missing Matteo physically hurt. He’d called everyday that week, around five in the evening his time, eleven at night Matteo's time. Just to talk to him, tell him about his day, catchup with him, help him get to sleep. 

He knew Matteo wasn’t sleeping well, waking in the night, sleeping in late and struggling to make it to his classes. Matteo had been honest with him about it. It was a major adjustment. Thankfully he had a file with student services, and he was able to take full advantage of the support they provided. He’d already been given a temporary reduced workload. Still David was worried. So were Jonas and the boys, apparently Matteo was walking around like a zombie, barely able to focus on anything.

But David wasn’t sleeping either. David was exhausted too. It was one in the morning and he was lying awake, like he had every night. No one thought of that, because everyone thought he would be fine.

His phone buzzed on the nightstand, startling him out of his moping.

“Hey?” David answered.

“Hey,” Matteo responded.

“It’s early there,” David said, running a hand through his hair.

It couldn’t be later than eight in Berlin, but David was too tired to figure it out. And yet not tired enough to actually sleep. 

“Yeah, figured you weren’t sleeping much either,” Matteo said.

“Did you sleep?” David asked.

“On and off, it’ll even out eventually,” Matteo said.

David was surprised at how sure he sounded.

“When do you think it will get easier?” David asked.

Matteo’s opinion was the only one he could trust right now, because he was the only one who got what he was going through.

“Well I asked Mia and she said about a week, but that’s impossible. So I asked Jonas and he said maybe a month, possibly even two, but…”

He trailed off, and David propped himself up a little, worried about whatever it was that Matteo was thinking. Still he had to know.

“But?”

“I asked mama and she said it might not get any easier, it might become more bearable yes and we will get through it. But it’s not going to be easy, not ever,” Matteo explained.

David knew right away that this was their truth, this was how it was going to be for them.

“Right now I agree with mama,” he said, “I just want to come home, not all the time but more often than not.”

Matteo just sighed. There was no point dwelling on it, it would only make it harder.

“What are you doing today?” David asked instead, distraction was his best option.

“I’m gonna work at the cafe for a few hours this morning, not cooking though, er… Sofia has finally decided to get a website, so I'm going to help her with that…”

David could tell he was getting flustered, he always got shy when people asked him for help. Like he couldn’t quite believe anyone would come to him for advice on anything. David could imagine the way he was probably scratching the back of his head, messing up his hair.

“That’s so great Matteo, I know you’ll make a great website for the cafe,” David said, unable to keep the pride from his voice, “do you have to go down there? Wouldn’t it be easier to set up on desktop in the apartment?”

Their apartment was a small two bedroom place. Well one bedroom and a large cupboard, which was filled with all Davids film gear, and the desktop setup Matteo had rigged up exactly how he needed. It meant they could study and work together, David editing his films while Matteo programmed away. Often not speaking but just comfortably working together. 

Although David was often distracted by Matteo, he couldn’t help it, when Matteo was focussed on something on his screen and this calm serene expression came over his face. David couldn’t help but stare, or sketch him.

There had been arguments, or at least heated debates, when Jonas told them he would be staying for a while, David insisted that they turned the office into a room for him, but Matteo wouldn’t have it, Jonas could sleep on the floor for all he cared. His computer could not be moved, he needed to work in there exactly as it was so that he could feel close to David. Jonas didn’t care he was happy to sleep on the sofa. So Matteo got to keep his office.

“But food David…” Matteo whined.

David laughed, of course the one thing that would get Matteo out of bed was good food. David was just glad he still had his appetite, whether Matteo was eating was often a good indicator of how he was doing, mentally. If he was still getting hungry, not forgetting or skipping meals, then he was probably doing ok. He was relieved.

“But er… I’m supposed to see Zoe today…”

Zoe was Matteo’s therapist, he’d been seeing her for years now. She helped him manage his depression and anxiety. Helped him keep it in check, so that he could cope on a day to day basis. Matteo got on really well with her and appreciated all she did for him. Especially when it came to school. Initially it was Amira who’d suggested that Matteo should go to university, and David had been nothing but supportive. But Zoe had worked out the logistics with Matteo, figured out what he could handle and cope with, communicated his needs to the school and assured that he would get the support he needed from them. 

It wasn’t odd that Matteo didn’t seem enthusiastic about this though. As much as therapy helped it also took a lot out of him, his sessions often leaving him feeling drained and exhausted. Sometimes he would stop going for weeks, and David couldn’t exactly force him to go, it was important that Matteo was in charge of this.

“Yeah?” David prompted.

“I don’t want to go. She wants to put me on sleeping tablets,” Matteo explained.

“Ok,” David said, giving Matteo the space to voice his thoughts.

“Or at least she wants to talk about them,” he said, “but I don’t want them, and she’s probably going to convince me and then I’ll be even more drugged up.”

Matteo sighed heavily.

“She’s not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do, but why are you against them?” David asked, he wasn’t trying to pressure Matteo, he just wanted to hear Matteo’s thoughts.

“Because… because I’m already on antidepressants,” Matteo said, “I don’t want more meds for fuck sakes and it’s only been a week. Shouldn’t we at least wait a couple of weeks? Before pumping me full of more drugs,” he muttered.

But it had been going on longer than that. As soon as things started getting confirmed for David leaving, as soon as it started to get real, Matteo started struggling with his sleep.

“This started before I left Matteo,” David said.

“I… no… I didn’t realise you’d noticed,” Matteo said, sounding guilty, “I’m sorry.”

“I notice everything about you Matteo, and don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong, you’re going through a lot,” David said.

“But it was just anxiety about you leaving, but I’m ok. Because I know you’re ok, so can’t I just wait it out?” Matteo asked.

“Ok explain all this to Zoe then, but Matteo not sleeping can be dangerous. Is it getting worse or staying the same?” he asked.

“Yesterday I fell asleep on the bus for hours, probably went round twenty times,” Matteo admitted.

“You didn’t tell me that,” David said.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“See it is dangerous Matteo, if you don’t sleep, it’s so bad for your health. I think maybe you should take them, at least consider them. Let her explain it properly then make a decision, don’t just write off the idea. Because it wouldn’t be forever, not like the antidepressants,” David tried to explain.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“No don’t just agree with me Matteo, I want you to think about it,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said, just agreeing with him.

“Matteo,” David warned.

“Alright I’ll think about it, ugh, this fucking sucks,” he said.

David heard him sigh heavily down the line. Then he yawned.

“Matteo,” he said gently.

“Hmm?”

He was falling asleep now, conversations like that always took it out of him. David wanted to let him, but knew it would be worse if he started sleeping during the day.

“Matteo wake up, you have to work,” David reminded him.

“Yeah yeah I’m up,” he groaned, “I’m gonna make something to eat.”

David heard Matteo shuffling around the room and then doors opening and closing. There was a clattering sound and David knew he was on loudspeaker on the counter, as Matteo got out various pots and pans.

“Aren’t you going to the cafe?” he asked.

“That’s later David, I’m hungry now, I’m gonna make frittata,” Matteo informed him.

David laughed.

“Stay on the line?”

“Of course, you going to sleep?”

“I’ll try,” David said, he settled back down in his bed.

He heard Matteo switch on the little kitchen radio. Laura had gotten it for them when they’d moved in together. She knew how much Matteo loved music in the kitchen, the two of them had often cooked and sang together at her place too. Matteo loved cooking with Laura.

David closed his eyes and listened as Matteo began to sing along. 

He fell asleep in no time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments, yes this story will be sad and angsty in parts, because long distance isn't fun, but it won't be all tears don't worry.


	3. day 23 - Zach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is it easy? With Matteo?”
> 
> David frowned, not really understanding what Zach was asking, what he was trying to figure out about David, and about himself. He knew he was keeping something back and ultimately it was up to Zach to trust him..
> 
> “How do you mean?” he asked.
> 
> “You just seem so sorted, you know? Like you’ve got everything together, I hear you on the phone sometimes, I can’t understand you, but even then, it’s in the way you speak to each other, you know? It just seems easy for you two,” Zach explained.

David couldn’t believe he’d been in New York for three weeks. Time was going both quickly and slowly at the same time. Slowly because of missing home, quickly because he was so busy. And he was having fun. 

His classes were amazing, he was enjoying them all and making friends. He’d already started planning his end of year project. They had to submit a short film, and the top three students’ films would be submitted to a film festival in the summer. David was hoping to get a place. 

He had been working all day on essays and film reviews, and that night he was going out to a bar for the first time, with the LGBT group he’d joined on campus. He was pretty excited and a little unsure what to expect, David was a social person by nature, but at the same time he struggled to open up to people at first. 

When he’d told Matteo he was going out to a bar, his dumb boyfriend had just teased him. Because David was twenty years old and therefore not allowed to drink in the US. The idea that they were legally allowed to drink from sixteen at home, and David suddenly wasn’t allowed was hilarious to him apparently.

David was sitting on the sofa with Zach, he was fed up of trying to keep busy to distract himself, and just wanted to be lazy. He must be channelling Matteo. Ines and Ana had gone shopping a while ago, leaving the two of them behind. Zach was watching clips from some home decorating show on his laptop, ones which the house owners came home and were unhappy with the results. Zach seemed to find this hilarious.

David’s phone buzzed and he picked it up. 

It was a snapchat from Sara of Matteo. He was asleep, his head on a book, mouth open, hair an absolute mess. David thought he looked beautiful. 

The text Sara had put over the image read:

_ Hey loser! Your boyfriend is drooling! _

David took a screenshot, and before replying.

_ He’s the hottest and you know it! Missing me? _

She replied quickly.

_ Nah but Leonie is, she says you get all the best gossip _

_ Not true, I’m not a gossip _

_ No, but people still tell you things _

That was true, people just tended to trust him, but he never passed on any information he learned so he didn’t know why the two girls thought he was a good source of gossip.

“Was that Matteo? In the picture?” Zach asked.

David looked up, he hadn’t realised that Zach had been paying attention to him. That he’d stopped watching his videos and started looking over his shoulder.

David opened the screenshot he’d taken and showed it to him.

“Yeah it’s a thing, he can fall asleep anywhere,” David explained.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to look,” Zach said sheepishly.

He still seemed so shy.

“No worries,” David said, trying to quell his worries.

He was trying to get Zach to open up to him, by just checking in daily, just hanging out hoping he would trust him.

“How long have you been dating?” Zach asked.

“Two years,” David told him.

“Wow, so you were what my age when you started dating then?” He asked.

David wasn’t sure how he felt about the expression of wonder on Zach’s face.

“Yeah I guess so, way to make me feel old Zach,” he said, smiling.

“Sorry,” Zach shrugged, “Is it easy? With Matteo?”

David frowned, not really understanding what Zach was asking, what he was trying to figure out about David, and about himself. He knew he was keeping something back and ultimately it was up to Zach to trust him..

“How do you mean?” he asked.

“You just seem so sorted, you know? Like you’ve got everything together, I hear you on the phone sometimes, I can’t understand you, but even then, it’s in the way you speak to each other, you know? It just seems easy for you two,” Zach explained.

David guessed that to an outsider it probably did look easy yes, but they worked hard at their relationship, they talked to each other, they’d built their relationship on trust and communication and that’s why it worked.

“Ah, it wasn’t always easy you know?”

“No?”

“Of course not, things aren’t just easy by chance, we work hard at it. But when we first met, when we were figuring each other out, we didn’t talk, we didn’t communicate and it was so hard, things were pretty rough,” David said.

“Why didn’t you communicate?” Zach asked.

“I was scared, so was Matteo actually,” David said.

“Scared of what?” Zach whispered.

David observed him carefully, he’d had long discussions back home with Matteo about how out he was willing to be here. He’d decided to judge it based on the situation, how he felt once he’d arrived. 

He trusted Zach.

“Well I didn’t want to tell him that I’m transgender, because… it’s complicated. I trusted him, but I didn’t know how he would react. And hell I didn’t even want a boyfriend. I just wanted to finish high school and run away, but I fell for him completely and I knew I would have to be honest with him, that I would need to tell him I'm trans, so instead of doing that I pushed him away because I wasn’t ready,” David explained.

“Oh,” Zach said, looking down at his hands, fidgeting.

“Oh?”

“I didn’t realise you were transgender, I er… I just thought you were gay, because of Matteo,” Zach said.

“I’m pansexual actually,” David told him.

“Oh sorry.”

“Zach?”

He looked about ready to run away, but instead he took a deep breath.

“I… I…” 

He buried his head in his hands.

“I got here a week before all of you,” Zach said.

David nodded.

“And the first thing I did was cut off all my stupid hair. I threw away all my clothes that my mom packed for me. Because she chose all my clothes. I’m eighteen and she still fucking dresses me. Then I went out and got new stuff, I had no idea what I was doing… fuck, I just couldn’t stand it anymore. It’s why I’m here, I’ve literally had a countdown since I was fifteen. Counting down the days until I could leave. I was going to go to college back home but when it was almost graduation I realised that wouldn’t be enough, I had to get as far away as possible.” 

There were tears streaming down his face now, David smiled sadly at him.

“Come here,” he said.

David pulled him into a hug, and let him cry, because it would have been what he wanted, four years ago.

“You know Matteo told me to look after you, the first night I was here,” David told him.

“Why?” 

“Because I told him how quiet you were. But I just said you weren’t a child, and you probably wouldn’t appreciate it. But I can help you, anything you need, to talk advice, I’m here for you,” David promised.

“When I first got here I was scared to talk in case you figured me out because of my voice, I'd been practising for ages but still…”

“Not gonna lie Zach you sounded just like every other american to me,” he said.

“Rude,” Zach said. “So Matteo knows your trans now right? You told him in the end?”

“Yeah, two weeks after I told him to leave me alone, after I'd had enough of sitting at home pining over him. I kinda… ok so I’d told him I wasn’t into him, which was a lie, and then I kept sending him drawings-”

“Drawings?”

“Don’t start ok? It was romantic and I’m an artist. I sent him drawings and he text me to stop fucking around basically, so I knew I had to tell him, because I wanted to be with him,” David explained.

“And he was ok? Like did he react ok?”

David thought back, he remembered how long it had taken Matteo to figure things out once he’d told him. To an outsider it didn’t look good, but David hadn’t expected Matteo to just understand things, he’d given him a lot of information, and had known he would time to process it. 

Matteo had explained it weeks later, how he’d been so petrified of saying the wrong thing he’d let David walk away. How he’d spent two days blocking it out of his head because he wasn’t ready to process it, but it was never about David it was about the two of together and what it meant for them. Because Matteo had figured if David was willing to reveal something so personal then it meant things were serious, and he would have to be. That he’d never thought they were just messing around or anything, that he was all in from the start, but that David was too? That was hard for him to process. 

He’d apologised for how long it had taken for him to reach out, how he’d wanted to say the right thing but had been overthinking it so much that he lost any idea of what he wanted to say. In the end, he was just going to meet David at the school and wing it. Matteo said he was probably about ready to confess his love then and there if their plans hadn't been thrown awry.

“It took him time, I told him and then I left him to figure out what he wanted. He reacted slowly, took him maybe five days to contact me, but…”

“But?”

It was hard to explain Matteo to others, because David just understood him, knew what he needed. David had known when he told Matteo that he was trans that it was going to be ok. That Matteo would accept him, it was more a matter of whether he was ready for everything.

“He was going through a lot too, essentially when I met him, he was closeted and depressed, he was dealing with a lot at home too, we pretty much met each other while we were both going through hell. I’m not trying to excuse him, but I never felt like he was leaving me hanging. And now that I know him even better, it just makes sense. The thing about Matteo is… he works at a slower pace, and he overthinks things always, when I told him it was a lot for him to take in, but he came to me when he was ready and we figured things out,” David said.

That was as simply as he could put it, not wanting to mention what had happened in between all that. Zach didn’t need to hear that yet. 

“You’re so lucky,” Zach said.

“You too can find a Matteo,” David joked.

“Maybe or… I like girls too,” Zach said quietly.

David nodded. “Do you like girls or do you like  _ a  _ girl?”

Zach flushed slightly.

“You do don’t you? Zach?”

He placed his head in his hands and screamed, muffled by his fingers.

“There’s a girl in my American Poetry class, her name is Louisa, she’s like really aggressive or not aggressive… bold maybe… she speaks out a lot in class, and she puts the professor in his place, and she smiled at me once and I almost died.”

“I feel so proud,” David said, wiping away a mock tear.

“But I just don’t know. I don’t know, I think I’ve spent so long ignoring my feelings, that now I don’t know what I want, but I think I like her, but I don’t know what it means about me,” Zach explained.

“That’s fine Zach, you don’t have to figure everything out right away,” he said.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Zach said.

He collapsed back against the sofa, he seemed so much more relaxed, like a weight had been lifted from him. Even his face seemed lighter somehow.

“Can I ask one thing?” David asked.

He didn’t want to push, but he was concerned about one thing.

“Mmm?”

“Your parents? From what you said earlier, I assume they don’t know,” David said.

“I can’t tell them, they’re so strict, they are proper conservatives. They won’t accept it, won’t accept me. I’d just planned to leave. I was just… I was just never going to go back. I’m going to just stop calling eventually,” Zach told him.

“Zach, you can’t-”

“Did your parents accept you?” 

“No but… If you just stop calling won’t they just come here, they’re paying rent right? They know where you are. Or they’ll certainly call the police,” David said.

Zach started to panic, it was clear his entire plan ended once he’d gotten away. David didn’t know enough about the law here but he was sure it was probably even more complex than in Berlin.

“I can't tell them, I can't bear it, and I can’t go back so what am I supposed to do?” he begged.

“You don’t have to figure this out all at once. Look I’m in the LGBT group, we’re going out tonight, to the campus bar, but we also do group meetings, and they have all sorts of support meetings, where you can get advice and stuff. Like I’m trans and will advise you as best I can but things work differently here, so you need advice, proper advice from proper reps,” David explained.

“Is it better in Germany?”

“I don’t know, it’s more complex here I think, I think it’s probably harder here. I feel less safe but I think that's more just because of the uncertainty, like back home I know where is safe and where isn’t,” David explained, hoping he made sense.

Zach nodded.

“That makes sense, you’re pretty smart,” Zach said.

“Older and wiser Zach, older and wiser,” David said.

“I-”

They were interrupted by David’s phone ringing. He really didn’t want to drop this conversation with Zach, but it was Matteo. Zach saw the screen, before David rejected the call.

“Are you going to tell him?” Zach asked.

“No of course not,” David said, frowning.

“I figured you tell him everything,” Zach said, with a shrug, he seemed fairly unbothered by the idea of Matteo knowing.

“Everything about me, not about others,” David said.

He pulled up Matteo’s contact on his phone and clicked facetime.

“Wanna say hi?” He asked Zach.

Zach nodded eagerly, he’d spoken briefly with Matteo a few times now, whenever he was around while David was on the phone. They both loved silly videos and was sure they’d be texting each other recommendations soon enough.

“Did you reject my call?” Matteo demanded as soon as he answered.

“I wanted to see you,” David said calmly.

Matteo looked outraged, he shook his head and scowled at him.

“And Zach wanted to say hi,” David said.

Matteo smiled now.

“Oh hi Zach, how are you? Sorry you’re stuck hanging out with my terrible boyfriend,” Matteo said.

“Hey!”

“Ah he’s not too bad,” Zach joked.

“Hey!”

David did not approve of these two ganging up on him.

“Hmm, well rather you than me,” Matteo said.

Zach was silent, he was clearly thinking about something. David let him think, he was about to speak, tell Matteo off for being so rude to him, when Zach got there first.

“He’s actually been really great,” Zach said.

“Oh?” Matteo asked.

David realised that Zach wanted to talk to Matteo. He could tell what he was doing, he was being brave, so David stayed quiet.

“Um… yeah I um I just told David and he was really great, so I would like to tell you too,” Zach rambled.

Matteo looked completely confused.

“Tell me?”

“That I’m… um I’m transgender… that’s actually wow, that's the first time I’ve said that out loud,” he said.

David squeezed his shoulder.

Zach smiled nervously at Matteo, it was one thing coming out to another trans guy, it was entirely different coming out to a cis guy, even if he knew Matteo would be ok about it.

Matteo stayed quiet and Zach glanced at David.

“He’s figuring out what to say,” David assured him, “in English,” he added.

Matteo nodded on the screen, he was quiet for another few minutes.

“Ok er… um thank you for telling me. Er… sorry English. Thank you for telling me,” he repeated, frowning as he struggled with the words. "That was really... bold? Not bold… Brave. That was really brave, so thank you for trusting me,” Matteo said.

Zach beamed at him, and David just smiled softly. For all his boyfriend worried about what to say, about saying the wrong thing, he often said the right thing. David thought if more people took as much care over their words as Matteo, the world would be a better place.

“But now I’ve gotta warn you, you have to be careful… because… now that you’ve told David… he’ll be dragging you to all the… lgbt meetings and all that stuff-”

“Fuck off! No I won’t Matteo,” David argued.

“He makes me go,” Matteo told Zach.

“I just think it’s good for you to socialise, meet people in the same boat as you,” David said.

“I’m not good with people,” Matteo told Zach.

“I am or I was, I just get too scared,” Zach said.

“Oh so you’re a weirdo like David? All social and that?” Matteo asked. “Then you’ll probably enjoy all that stuff,” he said.

“You enjoy it too,” David insisted.

“Hmm…”

“Matteo, I only make you go when you can handle it,” David said.

He knew Matteo was teasing him, but he still hated this idea that he pushed Matteo too far sometimes.

“I know, I’m kidding David,” Matteo said. “Are you pan like David too?” he asked Zach.

“I don’t know I er... I have a crush on a girl in my class right now,” Zach said.

“Fair enough,” Matteo said.

“You don’t have to know everything right away,” David reminded him. 

“Oh my god your going to be so annoying David,” Matteo teased.

“I am not!”

Zach was laughing beside him, shoulders shaking.

“Your gonna be like Hans!”

“I am not!”

“You are, oh my god! Zach don’t let him make you call him your guru,” Matteo warned.

“Oh my god, you two are so great,” Zach said.

“We can both be your guru,” Matteo decided.

“I’m going to hang up,” David warned, but he didn’t.

“Sara sent me a pic earlier by the way, you’re sleeping in the library now?” David asked instead.

“That was photoshopped” Matteo said, clearly lying.

“Like I said Matteo sleeps all the time,” David said to Zach.

“No I don’t. Stop it,” Matteo muttered, he ran his hand over his face and groaned.

This sleep thing was becoming a sensitive issue for him.

“Sorry Matteo,” David said softly.

“I took the stupid pills, now I’m just more tired than ever so I can’t help it ok?”

“Ok sorry sorry, that wasn’t funny,” David said.

He wished he was home to care of his boyfriend, Matteo clearly needed him.

“No it’s fine sorry for snapping,” Matteo said, quietly, already feeling guilty.

“I shouldn’t have teased you, tiredness aside how’s your mood?” David asked.

“So so, I’m not depressed but…”

He shrugged.

“You talk to each other so well, it’s as if you’ve been together forever. You talk to each other better than I’ve ever seen my parents, and they've been together for thirty years,” Zach said.

David glanced at him, he’d forgotten he was there, but Zach was still watching them, smiling fondly.

Matteo yawned.

“We will be together forever,” Matteo murmured.

“Yeah we will,” David agreed.


	4. day 47 - halloween and lullabies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For David every day was still difficult, he still woke up to the ache of missing Matteo, but he’d become more used to it. He figured now that the ache wasn’t going to go anywhere, but at least it wasn’t all consuming like it had been at the start. He would be able to make it through the year. And then he would go back to Matteo and never leave him again. That was how he was getting through.

“How do I look?” Zach demanded as he stumbled into David’s room, not even bothering to knock, just throwing the door open and barging in.

David jumped slightly where he was standing in front of the mirror, checking out his costume. It consisted of a white ruffle shirt, red waistcoat, black trousers and his heavy duty black boots. Once he threw on the cape to complete it he would be a dapper vampire. He ran a hand through his hair to smooth it down and then turned to Zach.

“Pretty good,” David told him.

He was wearing a red bandanna over a scruffy wig, fake leather armour over a poet shirt with sleeves rolled up and his arms bedecked with colourful bracelets. Cut off jeans and goggles to top it off. He looked like a steampunk Jack Sparrow.

“Oh hey you’re a vampire,” Zach observed, coming over to the mirror to check himself out.

He flicked the hair of his wig out of his face, struck a pose and grinned at his reflection.

“Oh yeah it’s a whole thing,” David told him.

Zach frowned at him.

“A thing?”

“Yeah every year me and Matteo dress as a vampire and an alien,” David explained.

“Why?”

“It’s just a thing,” he said.

It didn’t even mean anything really, but they’d done it the past two halloweens, and David wasn’t going to break tradition now. David could imagine them doing it even in ten years, annoying all their friends, being  _ that _ couple. He didn’t care how embarrassing they were.

“God you guys are so annoying,” Zach said.

“Yep,” David agreed.

“So I look hot?”

“Very,” David said, shoving him out of the way so he could put on his cape and complete his costume.

“I knew it,” Zach said, smirking at him.

“Are you drunk?” David asked, pretty confused by Zach’s sudden confidence.

“Yeah Ines gave me fancy wine,” Zach said, “come get some,” he said, bounding out of the room.

David followed Zach out to the living room where Ines was pouring out some pretty large glasses of wine. Ana, dressed as Wednesday Adams, was laid out on the couch, sipping wine from her glass like middle class soccer mom.

“David wine!” Ines yelled, thrusting a glass into his hand.

She looked particularly ferocious as Edna from the incredibles. David took a step back.

“I don’t really drink wine-”

“Nonsense, it is good wine, you’ll like it. Just one glass, humour me,” she said.

David nodded and took a small sip, it was good. He liked wine, his boyfriend was Italian after all, but he avoided it because nothing got him drunk quicker. Still it was Halloween. Ines nodded her approval and handed Zach another glass.

Ana got up from the couch and waltzed over to them. She could hold her wine, David had seen her put away a bottle with dinner sometimes. She took his phone from him. 

“Strike a pose, gotta get a sexy snap for your boy,” she said, holding out the phone.

David obliged, striking pose after pose, until Zach joined in and they both ended up laughing so hard they fell over.

David was actually having fun at the party. He actually wanted to be there, and didn’t want to go home and mope in his room for once. He was pretty drunk and he’d taken probably a thousand pictures on his phone of his costume, of him drinking and dancing, of all his new friends. He’d sent all of them to Matteo, who was going to wake up to a phone filled with messages and pictures. David was not wasted, not even close, but tipsy enough that he was feeling pretty happy. 

He’d been dancing with all his new friends, from class and from his societies. He’d perhaps been showing off a little, but he was a good dancer and it was all good fun. He’d also been making sure Zach was having fun, and he was. Since coming out to David, and then Matteo, Zach had thrown himself into it, he’d gone with David to all his society meetings and during one awkward flat dinner he’d come out to Ines and Ana. He’d just blurted it out. And when the two girls found out about his family situation they practically adopted him. All of this was doing wonders for his confidence. David couldn’t be happier for him.

For David every day was still difficult, he still woke up to the ache of missing Matteo, but he’d become more used to it. He figured now that the ache wasn’t going to go anywhere, but at least it wasn’t all consuming like it had been at the start. He would be able to make it through the year. And then he would go back to Matteo and never leave him again. That was how he was getting through.

Of course he was getting better at keeping himself busy and distracting himself. Like right now, at this party, drinking beer from a red cup like in the movies, and chatting with his friends. He was sitting with Jenni from his advanced script class. Jenni was dressed as Thor, complete with a pretty solid looking helmet, which she’d filled with beer and was now drinking from it. She was a keen people watcher, observing the partygoers and inventing dramatic scenarios. But by this point she was too drunk and was struggling to come up with stories, much to David’s amusement.

“See that girl there?”

David nodded.

“She’s actually an undercover cop,” Jenni informed him.

“Really?”

“Yeah, she started as a drug dealer in high school, but got caught. She avoided trial by grassing on fellow students. After a massive altercation with a dealer from a rival high school she had to transfer to New York. But now she’s moved up to the big leagues, she’s FBI so don’t let her catch you with anything,” she warned him.

David almost fell off the sofa laughing.

“Isn’t that jump street or something? It’s definitely a movie” he said.

Jenni shrugged and laughed too.

“Oh that boy he came with you, your roommate?”

“Yeah?” David looked around for Zach.

“He looks like he’s had enough,” she said, pointing him out.

David found him in the crowd. He was looking a bit worse for wear, pale and a little sweaty. Swaying now rather than dancing. David didn’t think Zach was a big drinker, so he’d probably over done it.

“I’d better get him home,” David said, standing up, he swayed slightly himself but was doing better than Zach.

“Kids eh?” Jenni laughed.

“I could hold my drink far better at his age,” David told her.

“Yeah but you are European,” she argued.

“That’s true,” he agreed, before making his way over to Zach.

“Hey Zach feeling ok?” David asked, putting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him away from the crowd.

“Not too good, feel a bit sick,” Zach said, allowing David to lead him.

He looked even paler up close, and was definitely sweating.

“Let’s get home yeah?”

“Please,” Zach said, nodding and then grimacing at the movement.

David put Zach’s arm around his shoulder and looped his own around him, helping him along. They slowly made their way along the streets. It was late, but still busy out, but no one paid them any attention.

“Did you have fun?” David asked, as they walked.

“So much fun David, the most fun. Did you know I’ve never been drunk before?” he slurred.

“I can tell,” David said.

“We should get high!” Zach exclaimed.

David laughed and reached out to stop him stumbling.

“No I’m serious, we gotta do it,” Zach insisted.

“Why do you wanna get high?” David asked.

He was struggling now, Zach was surprisingly heavy, especially as he wasn’t really helping, just letting David drag him along.

“Because I never did, I never did all that fun stuff with all the other kids,” Zach explained, David could hear the longing in his voice.

He knew this feeling well, he often felt he’d missed out on a lot of things that other kids took for granted. He’d spent so much of his time hiding from everyone that he never really got the teenage experience. He’d never really had any friends in high school, until he’d moved schools. And then he was so focussed on proving everyone wrong that he’d refused to have any fun at first, spent all his time on his schoolwork. It wasn’t a bad thing, but he definitely felt like he’d missed out.

Graduating and getting into film school though, that had been something else entirely. It was the first time he’d felt free, and he loved it. He didn’t really regret the years he’d missed because he was living his best life now. He had a wonderful boyfriend, a strong group of friends and a family he’d made himself. He was happy now and that was what mattered, he would explain all this to Zach, when he wasn’t so drunk.

“Maybe one day,” David said.

“Oh I danced with Louisa at the party,” Zach told him, “she’s so beautiful, especially when she’s angry.”

“Was she angry while you were dancing?” David asked.

“No but in class, I mean,” Zach explained. “And look!”

Zach wriggled away from him to show him the number on his arm.

“How sexy is that?”

David raised an eyebrow.

“Pretty impressive, now give me your phone,” David said.

David took it when it was offered and opened the camera and snapping a photo of the number. He was willing to admit he was too drunk to input it any other way.

“You’re already sweating, you’ll lose that otherwise,” he said, handing back the phone.

“You’re the best,” Zach proclaimed.

“Thanks,” David said, wrapping his arm around Zach again.

“I miss home sometimes, do you miss home?” Zach asked.

“Every damn day,” David admitted, it’s not like he hadn’t complained about this many times to Zach, Ana, and Ines most mornings.

“But your home is good though,” Zach pondered.

“It is, but yours could be too, if you give it a try,” David suggested.

“Yeah maybe, I’m so tired David,” he said.

“Lucky we’re here then,” David said.

David helped get Zach up the stairs and into his room. The boy pretty much collapsed onto his bed. Great. David really didn’t want to have to undress him.

“Ugh Zach! Zach! Don’t fall asleep, you need to get changed. Are you wearing a binder? You need to take it off, I warned you about this,” David demanded, trying to pull him upright.

“I’m a sexy pirate,” Zach informed him, but he managed to stay upright by himself.

“Get changed please, I’m gonna get you some water,” David said. 

David left the room to grab a glass of water and some painkillers, he went to his room and grabbed his wastepaper basket, emptying on the floor.

When he went back to Zach's room, he’d found him on the bed. He’d changed out of his pirate attire and into a large hoodie and shorts. His costume was flung all over the room. David was not feeling nice enough to tidy it up. Zach was laying on top of the covers, passed out. David placed the glass on the bedside table and placed the bin by Zach’s head. He grabbed a blanket from the end of the bed and covered him up. 

What a lightweight he was.

But when David collapsed onto his own bed, he realised he might not be as sober as he thought he was. The room was spinning slightly, so he closed his eyes. He was exhausted too, bone tired. He felt for the first time he might not be able to stay awake for Matteo’s call. He was supposed to call when he woke up, assuming David would be out late at the party. Almost fifty days in and they still called each other everyday, sometimes for hours, sometimes just for a few minutes, sometimes just a voice message but it counted. 

Sometimes David worried that they were too codependent, but he refused to change anything.

If David were to fall asleep now this would be the first time they hadn’t spoken to each other everyday since he got there. He should sit up and stay awake. In fact he should get changed, he was still in his ridiculous costume.

But then the phone rang, Matteo was trying to facetime him and David couldn’t stop the way his face lit up.

He answered the call. 

“Matteo,” he whispered.

“Hey you, I just woke up to all your pics, you look very handsome,” Matteo said.

“Thanks, did it get you all hot and bothered?” David said, winking.

Matteo snorted.

“Are you drunk?” he asked.

“Mostly tired, but a little drunk,” he admitted.

“Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, a lot of fun. But I had to bring Zach home, he got too drunk,” David told him.

“Lightweight,” Matteo said. “Kids eh?” he added.

“Exactly he probably only had a couple beers, imagine him competing against you,” David joked.

“He’d probably have to go to the hospital,” Matteo said.

David laughed.

“Is he asleep now?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, do you have class today?” David asked.

“Not till the afternoon, but I wanted to catch you before you fell asleep,” Matteo told him.

David closed his eyes.

“I’m so tired Matteo,” he whined.

“You need to get changed,” Matteo reminded him.

David sat up and pulled off his stupid cape, throwing it to the floor.

“Want me to give you a show?”

Matteo just laughed fondly.

“Get changed David,” he said softly.

David huffed, but dragged himself off the bed, he dropped the phone onto the pillow and quickly stripped off the rest of the costume, dropping it all on the floor. He grabbed a hoodie, which was probably Matteo’s and threw it on.

“Did you like what you saw?” David mumbled when he collapsed back onto the bed and picked the phone back up.

“The ceiling you mean?” Matteo asked.

“Oh couldn’t you see,” David realised.

“I can see you now,” Matteo whispered. “You are so drunk David.”

“I am,” he admitted, “Oh! I drank out of red cups!”

“Yeah?”

“Yes! Just like the movies, ugh this phone is so heavy,” David whined.

“Prop it against the wall,” Matteo said.

David did as Matteo suggested, and turned so he was more comfortable on the pillow. He was so tired, but he couldn’t fall asleep.

“Sing me a lullaby,” David demanded.

“David,” Matteo whined.

His cheeks flushed instantly and he dropped his head, embarrassed. Singing when cooking was one thing, singing just for the sake of it was something else. A reminder of his choir boy days. Matteo rarely sang just for the sake of singing these days.

“Please,” David begged.

He knew Matteo wouldn't be able to resist him, would give him whatever he wanted, especially as he missed him, just as much as David missed him.

David grinned as Matteo took a deep breath and began to sing.

“ _ Noo.. nonna nonna, a nenna mie, l'angele l'addorma _ __   
_ Noo.., si l'addorme mò ch'è piccerella _ _   
_ __ quanne è grosse s'addorme sulella…”

David reached out and ran his finger over the screen, tracing Matteo’s face. He closed his eyes and was asleep in minutes.


	5. day 61 - it all comes crashing down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn’t even think of that,” Jonas said.
> 
> “No you didn’t,” David agreed.
> 
> “We all fucked up a bit didn’t we?” Jonas asked.
> 
> “Yeah,” David said.
> 
> I just… no it’s shitty just thinking about it, I just assumed you would be fine. Because Matteo’s the one with depression,” Jonas explained.
> 
> He knew they all thought that way. He’d talked to Matteo about it once, he’d just been getting out of an episode, and David was stressed about something at school, but he’d tried to hide it. Matteo had seen right through him, gently reminded him that he was allowed to get upset too, even if he was in a full blown episode, he didn’t want David not to share his feelings. That he was allowed to be sad, while Matteo was depressed. That his feelings were just as real. Matteo understood him so well.

It had been such a good start to the week. He’d woken up on Monday and felt like he was finally adjusting. Or finally settled. He was getting into a routine. He’d wake up to texts or voice messages from Matteo, and Laura and his friends back home. And it just made missing them a little easier. Until Matteo stopped contacting him. There were no signs, no warning. Just radio silence.

Right now David was pacing his room. He hadn’t heard from Matteo in three days by this point and he was terrified. All Jonas would tell him was that Matteo wasn’t doing too well right now, David had told him to stop fucking sugar coating it and just admit Matteo was in a depressive episode. Jonas had hung up on him.

Amira called him back ten minutes later.

“Are you calm?” she asked.

“No I’m not fucking calm! Tell me what the fuck is going on?” he demanded, continuing to pace his room.

“Not until you calm down,” Amira said.

How was she so calm right now? David screamed in frustration, he almost threw his phone at the wall. But he needed it. Why wouldn’t they tell him? Why wouldn’t they let him speak to Matteo? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then another.

“Please,” he whispered finally.

“Ok, I’m going to put you on speaker. Hanna is here please don’t yell at her,” Amira warned him.

“I won’t,” David promised.

“Hi David,” Hanna said quietly.

“Please just tell me what's going on,” David said.

“Matteo is depressed right now, it started a few days ago, he’s been skipping classes, sleeping in-”

“Why didn’t you notice?” he demanded, he kicked his desk. Hard.

“We noticed straight away David. We tried to help as soon as we picked up on it, but Matteo is… you know how he is. He pushed back,” Hanna explained.

That wasn’t good enough. This was why he shouldn’t have left. He knew how to do this, he knew exactly what Matteo needed. When he pushed back that was when he needed the most help.

“But-”

“David we couldn’t help him until he was ready,” Amira said.

He knew she was right, Matteo struggled to let him in when he was depressed, there was no way he’d talk to any of them. He understood why Hanna was there, her quiet gentle presence was probably the only thing that would help without David there. Amira was too matter of fact, too proactive for Matteo, when what he needed was time. Jonas wanted to help too much, get him better right away. But Hanna would just sit there in silence with Matteo until he could finally breathe again. David was so thankful for that, and for all the times she’d helped him watch over Matteo in the past.

“We’re all here, Jonas is with him now, and we won’t let him be alone,” Hanna promised.

“I’m coming home,” David insisted.

“David he’s going to be ok,” Amira said.

“He needs me,” David argued.

“David if you come home, because of Matteo he’ll only hate himself,” Hanna said.

David knew they were right, but he hated it. He wasn’t going to leave Matteo alone, going through all this without him. He hung up without a word, and grabbed his laptop. Matteo needed him, he had to go home. 

He began to search frantically for flights back to Berlin. There was nothing. The cheapest flight was five hundred euros. He didn’t have that. Why couldn’t he have gone to a film school in Europe? Or better still, why was he even doing a placement year at all? Why couldn’t he just stay home? He was happy at home, why on earth had he left?

Ten minutes later he almost threw the laptop out of his window in frustration.

“Fuck!” he yelled.

There was nothing he could do. How was he going to get home?

There was a knock at the door.

“Leave me alone!” he shouted.

Instead of doing as he asked, the door opened and Zach stepped into the room. 

“David are you ok?” he asked, taking in his state with a worried expression on his face.

“Do I look ok?” he snapped, “sorry,” he added immediately.

Apparently he was going to be shitty to all his friends today. Everyone must hate him.

“Not really,” Zach said quietly.

He slowly approached the bed and gestured for permission to sit down. David nodded and shifted up slightly moving his stupid laptop out of the way.

Zach sat down beside him. “David what’s going on?”

“Matteo’s in a depressive episode, and he needs me, but I can’t get home. I can’t afford a stupid flight. The only flight I can afford isn’t for a fucking month. I’ve left him behind and he needs me Zach and what-”

Zach placed a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it.

“He’ll be ok though, he’s been through this before?”

“Yeah but-”

“And he has people with him?”

“He needs  _ me, _ ” David insisted.

“True, true it probably would help, but he’s done this before, and before he had you, and he’s strong enough yeah?”

“Yeah but… but  _ I _ want to be with him, I just miss him so much,” he whispered. “He shouldn’t have to do this without me.”

“Yeah,” Zach said, nodding.

“God this is so hard,” David said.

“You’ll get through this though, both of you,” Zach promised.

“I don’t know if I can, I just… I don’t want to be here,” David said.

“Yes you do,” Zach insisted.

“No,” David argued.

“You do, you want to be here, but you want to be there at the same time. That’s ok David. You can be happy here and miss home at the same time. It won’t… obviously now is a terrible time but Matteo will get through it, and when he does, I think… you need to stop fighting,” Zach said.

“Fighting?”

“It’s like you’re afraid to get comfortable, it’s like you think if you do you’re going to just stop missing home and missing Matteo. Like you think if you’re happy here you’re a bad boyfriend, do you get what I mean? You can be happy here and miss Matteo, if you’re happy it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting about him,” Zach explained.

“I… I don’t know how to do this, I’ve never missed someone like this,” David said.

“You’re homesick,” Zach said.

“I’ve never been homesick before, I ran away from home at sixteen and didn’t miss it once. But I’m homesick for Matteo,” David said.

“He’s your home,” Zach said.

How was this boy only eighteen? He spoke like a world weary old wise man sometimes. But right now David appreciated it.

“He is,” David agreed.

“Ugh I hate you,” Zach muttered.

“Thanks Zach, I’m sorry for snapping,” David said.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re stressed,” Zach said.

David was glad he was so understanding. He knew Amira, Jonas, and Hanna would all forgive him too.

“Come hang out with me and Ana, we’re making custard tarts, and you seem like you could use the distraction,” Zach offered.

David nodded and grabbed the phone, following Zach out to the kitchen.

Two hours later David was still in the kitchen with Zach and Ana. Ines was home now too, and the three of them were trying to distract David as best as they could. Ines was trying to teach them all a rather violent card game, which involved a lot of hand slapping. Zach was surprisingly good at it, despite his gentle nature. David was learning that he was secretly rather competitive, but it was good, it helped with his confidence. David was just glad he was feeling comfortable with them. If he wasn’t so distracted by what was going on at home he would be proud of him.

David’s phone buzzed on the counter. He jumped out of his seat and grabbed it, staring down at the screen.

“It’s Matteo,” David said.

“Answer it!” Ines demanded.

David nodded and clicked answer.

“Na?” David whispered.

Matteo didn’t respond but David could hear him breathing down the line. He was so thankful that the three roommates were practically holding their breath to keep quiet.

He went to his room, and collapsed onto the bed.

“Matteo, I want to come home,” David whispered.

Matteo still didn’t say anything, David realised he wasn’t going to, that just getting his phone and dialling had probably taken everything he had. When he got like this he couldn’t bear any noise, so David stayed quiet, he just laid there, listening to Matteo breathing as the room darkened around him. He didn't sleep. He stayed up all night listening to Matteo breathing, he could tell at some points in the night that Matteo was crying. He knew what that looked like, the way he would just stare at nothing, with tears running down his face. David hated that he wasn’t there to wipe away the tears.

Around five in the morning David’s time Jonas must have noticed the phone and taken it from Matteo.

David heard him ask permission first, the sound after such prolonged silence startling him out of his drowsy state.

“Hey David,” Jonas said.

“Hey,” David said, voice croaky from disuse “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“No don’t worry about it, it get it man. It must be stressful being the other side of the world and all,” Jonas said.

David appreciated his patience. He appreciated all of them really.

“It’s so hard,” David whispered.

“He’ll be ok David, he’s done this before,” Jonas said.

David stood up and began to pace again, slower this time. But he was going to wear out the floor soon. 

“But I should be there for him,” he argued.

“You were, David, you stayed on the line with him all night, it's what he needed. You’re so good for him David, the distance is nothing for you two,” Jonas said.

“I want to come home, Jonas I can’t do this,” David said.

“Matteo is going to be fine,” Jonas said.

Something in David snapped, he was so tired of everyone making this about Matteo, it was about both of them. Zach could understand it, and he didn’t even know David that well. Maybe that was the problem. To his friends David was always the one who was ok, but right now he wasn’t ok at all.

“But  _ I’m _ not,  _ I’m _ not fine Jonas, everyone thinks that I can handle the distance, that I’m fine. You all think that Matteo can’t handle it but that I’m fine. But I’m not. It’s not getting any easier at all,” he told him.

Jonas was silent, thinking.

“I can’t do this,” David repeated.

“I didn’t even think of that,” Jonas said.

“No you didn’t,” David agreed.

“We all fucked up a bit didn’t we?” Jonas asked.

“Yeah,” David said.

I just… no it’s shitty just thinking about it, I just assumed you would be fine. Because Matteo’s the one with depression,” Jonas explained.

He knew they all thought that way. He’d talked to Matteo about it once, he’d just been getting out of an episode, and David was stressed about something at school, but he’d tried to hide it. Matteo had seen right through him, gently reminded him that he was allowed to get upset too, even if he was in a full blown episode, he didn’t want David not to share his feelings. That he was allowed to be sad, while Matteo was depressed. That his feelings were just as real. Matteo understood him so well.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be sad,” David told Jonas

“I’m so sorry David, I’m so sorry, I completely invalidated your feelings. Talk to me, I’ll listen this time,” Jonas said.

He could be a little annoying, but he meant well and David loved him for that. So he told him everything, he spilled all his fears, his worries and his feelings to Jonas. He told him everything he’d felt since he’d got on that plane in Berlin.

“Shit, I didn’t even realise, I just always thought you were so strong,” Jonas said when he’d finished.

“Strong doesn’t mean emotionless,” David said.

“Holy shit!” Jonas exclaimed.

“What?”

“Matteo said that at the exact same time,” Jonas told him.

Of course he did.

“Because he gets it,” David said.

“Yeah and-”

Jonas was broken off by shuffling and David heard him mumble something to Matteo.

David collapsed down onto his bed. 

Eight more months of this. Could he do it? Was Zach right? Right now it really seemed like forever. Eight more months away from home. Was it even worth it? For a bit of experience and a fancy addition to his degree. Deep down he knew it was, but he was really struggling to see it right now. 

“Look I know it’s hard. But you don't want to give up now, this is your dream David, and-”

“I don’t know if it is my dream anymore,” David admitted.

“I think maybe you need to pull yourself together,” Jonas said.

“I... what?”

“Pull yourself together, stop moping and feeling sorry for yourself,” Jonas said.

“Excuse me?”

“Look I know it’s hard being away from home, but you are, by choice, to get an experience you won’t get anywhere else. You need to start focusing on the good things, stop thinking about how much you miss Matteo. That’s obviously not going to stop anytime soon so start focusing on the good things. You’ve made new friends, you’re not alone, you’re learning so much, you’re actually quite lucky and-”

David heard mumbling in the background.

“I’m not being a dick Luigi, I’m trying to help, tough love and all that,” Jonas argued.

There was more mumbling, then a rustling down the line.

“Hey?” Matteo murmured.

“Matteo, how are you doing?” David asked gently.

“Not good, but I’ll survive. Sorry about Jonas, you’ve really thrown him, he doesn’t know how to fix this and he’s freaking out,” Matteo said.

“Hey!” Jonas shouted.

“Apparently all our friends think I’m some kind of emotionless robot,” David said, it didn’t come out as amused as he’d intended.

“All our friends are idiots,” Matteo said, "but they don't think that... they just it's overshadowed by me I guess."

“I do think I need to pull myself together, I… I’ve never missed anyone like this, and I haven’t dealt well. It’s not just you either, I miss everyone, I miss our flat, I miss Berlin. I’ve never felt like this before,” David explained.

“You’re homesick,” Matteo told him, echoing what Zach had said earlier.

That made sense to him, because this was the first time in his life that David had a home to miss, of course it would hurt if he left it behind. Maybe it was worse because he’d never gone through missing someone like this before. He'd done stay away camps when he was a kid and never once wanted to go home. The past two years he'd done roadtrips with Matteo, but that had been fine because Matteo was there with him.

“I am,” David agreed.

“Eight months to go,” Matteo sighed.

“God that’s forever,” David said.

He could do it, he had to.

“David I’m going to sleep now, sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

David knew that short conversation had taken all Matteo’s energy.

“Ok you rest now. I’ll stay on the line for a while. Thank you for talking to me, I know that took a lot,” David whispered.

Eight months to go, he could do this. Matteo was right. Zach was right. Jonas was right in his own way. It was going to be hard, he was strong, they were right about that. He was going to get through these eight months and enjoy them as much as he could. He was so used to bottling up emotions like this, hiding them and pretending he didn't care. He knew it's why he came across as unemotional, but it had been so long since he'd had to ignore his feelings that he wasn't even sure if he could. Not that he wanted to. In a way he supposed missing Matteo was a good thing, he'd rather miss him and have someone to go home to after all this, than have an easy year and go home to no one. But when it was over he would go back to Matteo, his home, and never leave him again.


	6. day 108 - family is what you make it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David was unsure. He was pretty certain Matteo wouldn’t send him something rude, but if he’d been scheming with Zach that was a different matter. David wasn’t sure out of the two of them who was a worse influence on the other.

David couldn’t quite believe he was spending his Christmas without Matteo, Laura, and Matteo’s mother like he had done the past two years. Mostly for Matteo’s sake. Once his boyfriend realised he could enjoy Christmas again he quickly began to take Christmas really seriously. Their apartment last year had practically become Santa’s grotto. But who was David to begrudge him? Matteo had had ten years of hard Christmases, so that he could even enjoy it at all was a wonderful thing.

He’d decorated their apartment again this year, Laura had gone over to supervise him. David had sent her over not trusting Matteo on the ladders. He’d gotten plenty of photos from the pair, Matteo had even dared to cover Laura in tinsel and snap a photo to send to him, but she had been laughing in delight.

And in addition to this when he’d heard David wasn’t decorating his New York apartment he’d called Zach. Zach who loved Christmas as much as Matteo, had gone full Christmas on the apartment, decorated every inch of it. A bright pink tacky Christmas tree, fairy lights and tinsel covering every wall, the works. David kept finding glitter everywhere. He imagined Zach’s Christmas at home was probably a far more conservative affair.

Despite missing the small family Christmas he’d grown accustomed to, he’d had a good day. All the roommates had stayed. Ines and Ana not bothering to go home, as opposed to David’s issue being money. And Zach, well he just couldn’t face home. David didn’t know what excuse he’d given to his parents, but he’d been quiet most of the morning.

Still it had been fun, the three Europeans had forced Zach to do food and presents on Christmas Eve, which hadn’t been a hard sell. Ines had cooked them dinner Portuguese style, which meant fish and vegetables. She cooked for them a lot and David had to admit it was almost as good as Matteo’s. Almost. They’d exchanged gifts, not so secret santa style. David had gotten a new sketchbook and fancy pens from Ana, and had given Ines Portuguese cookbook he’d found, its title roughly translated to  _ Cooking American food so it isn’t so bland - have they never heard of spices?  _ which Ines had thought was fantastic, and spent the next hour roasting Zach on all things American cuisine. 

They were now slowly getting drunk on Ana’s attempt at making eggnog, which was some sort of whiskey and custard mix, far more whiskey than custard. It wasn’t bad though, he’d already had three glasses. 

Beside him Zach was giggling away when suddenly he slapped a hand to his face and ran into his room.

Ines laughed at the sudden departure. “Where did he go?”

Ana shrugged, “Maybe you gave him food poisoning?” she suggested.

“Fuck off!” Ines said, pouting.

Zach came back after a minute carrying a sizeable box. 

“Here,” he said, proudly placing it in front of David.

David frowned.

“We already did presents,” he said, confused.

“This isn’t from me,” Zach said.

David knew that, he could tell from the scrawl it was from Matteo, but he was still confused. He’d already gotten his gift from Matteo, new accessories for his camera and a new sketchbook. He’d also gotten a large parcel from Matteo’s mama too, all sorts of foods, ordered and packed from a local Italian deli in the city. 

She had wanted to send her own food and had been outraged to find out that it was illegal. Well not outraged, David couldn’t ever imagine Matteo’s mama angry, but she’d not been happy. Her and Sofia, Matteo’s boss from the cafe had researched thoroughly and found a deli they’d been happy with. Matteo said they’d rung up and questioned the owner for twenty minutes before they were satisfied. It wasn’t homemade but it was the closest thing.

So he was unsure what was in the box.

“Open it then!” Zach said, getting frustrated.

“I- what is it?”

“Open it,” Ana said, laughing.

David was unsure. He was pretty certain Matteo wouldn’t send him something rude, but if he’d been scheming with Zach that was a different matter. David wasn’t sure out of the two of them who was a worse influence on the other.

Ana handed him a pair of scissors and David carefully cut into the package. He lifted the lid and saw his pillow, from his and Matteo’s bed. Oh. He lifted it and buried his face in it. He breathed in deeply, it smelled like Matteo. David wanted to cry. He kept his face buried in the pillow for longer than he was willing to admit and when he resurfaced his eyes were shining with tears.

“God your making me feel lonely,” Ines said “where’s my fucking care package?”

David snorted and looked back to the box. He pulled out three sweaters, one christmassy one and two of Matteo’s regular grandpa sweaters. He pulled on the Christmas one, which of course smelled like Matteo too. Underneath the sweaters, was a bundle of polaroid photos, some from their apartment, and some new ones of Matteo and all their friends.

There was also Matteo’s lucky kangaroo pen and the valve from the pool, with a note:  _ Exams are coming soon, these will bring you luck!  _

There was a little fake plant which Matteo had attached googly eyes to. And a small pile of “drawings” by Matteo. Them as aliens and vampires, them dancing round what Matteo assumed to be their apartment, them standing under the mistletoe, and them building a snowman. All of these were covered with lots of hearts and smileys. They were all terrible but David would put them up on his wall proudly. All this stuff was to make his room feel more like home he realised. God he loved him.

At the very bottom of the box was a longer note:

_ David, _

_ I’ve been thinking about it, thinking about you in your little New York room, you didn’t really get to take much with you, only your clothes and your film stuff. And I bet you haven’t bothered to personalise the room at all. Actually scratch that, I know you haven’t because we facetime enough for me to see the walls around you are bare. I know you’re not there long and you don't want to feel settled. But I think it would help. I want you to feel more at home. So I sent you all this stuff to help that. _

_ I dunno maybe it won’t help maybe it'll make you sadder, I hope not. All I know is some days when it all gets too much, I go home, go into our room and just go through your things, you clothes, your trinkets, your sketches, it usually makes me cry, but it also makes it feel easier somehow. _

_ Anyway even if it doesn’t help at least you’ll have plenty of pictures of my face to look at so you don't’ forget what I look like. _

_ Love you _

_ Matteo _

David stood up.

“Er gotta… I gotta make a call,” he said.

“Go you loser!” Ana said, turning up the music and pulling Zach and Ines up to dance, clumsily spinning them around the living room. David bundled everything back into the box and rushed into his room. He placed the box carefully onto the bed, sat down beside it, grabbed his phone, and dialled Matteo. 

He knew Matteo would be sleeping, it was only seven in the morning over there and he would’ve been up late with his mama and Laura. He’d already called once, earlier. But he needed to speak to Matteo right now. The phone rang out. He dialled again.

It took four attempts before the call finally connected.

“Wha?” Matteo mumbled.

David could tell he hadn’t even checked the screen, he was just trying to shut his phone up.

“Hey Matteo,” David said softly.

“What do you want?” Matteo whined.

“I love you too,” David said, laughing.

“What time is it? Why did you wake me?”

“I got my surprise gift,” David said.

“So? Leave me alone,” Matteo grumbled.

David waited, laughing to himself

“Wait! No wait don’t go! David hi,” Matteo said.

David heard him yawning.

“Hi Matteo,” David said.

“Did you like it?” Matteo asked.

“I loved it, I'm wearing the Christmas sweater right now. I’m going to hang the photos all in the morning,” he told him.

“When the lighting is just so?” Matteo teased.

He was referring to when they’d first moved into their apartment and David had refused to hang the pictures on the evening they’d moved in, because the lighting wasn’t right.

“I know you’re teasing me but yes actually,” David said.

“I wore the sweaters a bit. It’s not gross is it? Zach said it was gross,” Matteo said.

“It’s not gross, it’s nice, they smell like you. I miss you,” David said.

“I miss you too,” Matteo said.

“Did you have fun with your mama and Laura?” he asked.

“Yeah it was good, Laura got me a bit drunk. Oh that's why my head hurts,” Matteo realised.

David laughed.

“And we’re going to mama’s for lunch today, Laura is really excited. You know she thought I wouldn’t want her there without you? Like mama doesn’t love her the most,” Matteo said, sounding scandalised.

“She lost a lot because of me,” David said.

Matteo tutted.

“Don’t don’t do that. That’s on your parents not you,” he said.

David hadn’t been back there for Christmas or anything at all since he was sixteen. Neither had Laura. No contact. It still made him sad sometimes, if he dwelled on it long enough. Sad for Laura, more than himself. Guilty too, but it was getting easier. And she was happy enough, they had each other, she’d chosen him and they were a family.

“Yeah, but… she’s gained a lot too, we both have. You’re our family, you’re my family Matteo,” he said.

“And you’re mine, all of us we’re family,” Matteo said.

“I love that Laura gets it too,” David said.

“Of course she does, you two are a package, and I love her too you know,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David agreed. 

He’d chosen his family and he loved them dearly. He wouldn’t have it any other way. He’d made his home with them. 

David had already been planning his end of year project, he had a rough idea, actually a bunch of ideas, but he’d been waiting for the January exams to finish before starting work on it. Now sitting there surrounded by Matteo’s gifts, feeling settled in his room at last, he knew for definite what he wanted to make. What he wanted it to be about. His home.


	7. day 158 - i need you to talk me down with dreams of picket fences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ok back up. You’re face-timing my boyfriend now? For relationship advice?” David demanded.
> 
> “Yes obviously, keep up. Matteo’s a really good boyfriend, of course I’m going to go to him for advice,” Zach said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
> 
> David was almost offended.
> 
> “Am I not a good boyfriend? Do you not want advice from me?” he asked.

“Yo David!” Zach said, barging into his room.

Sometimes David missed the days when Zach was shy. He didn’t really, but still loud confident Zach was a lot sometimes. Especially when he was trying to work. Which he wasn’t doing right now, he was sketching but still. It was Valentine’s Day and he was just waiting for Matteo to get off work so he could call. They were going to watch cheesy romance movies over skype. Matteo’s idea obviously.

“Yes Zach please come in. How can I help you?” David asked, looking up from his sketchbook.

“Watcha doing?” Zach asked, smirking at him.

“Sketching?”

“Trying to pass the time before your Valentine’s Day phone sex session tonight?” Zach asked.

David spluttered and closed the sketchbook, rubbing his hand over his face to hide the blush that crept up his cheeks.

“Ok firstly it’s none of your business and second? I miss the time when you didn’t talk,” David said.

Zach rolled his eyes.

“Whatever we share a wall you know? I had to get earplugs,” Zach teased.

David glared at him.

“Fuck off!”

“Anyway. So Matteo is gay gay right?” he asked, hands on his hips, a curious frown on his face.

“Matteo is gay yes. Why?” David said, wondering exactly where he was going with this. Zach already knew this.

“That’s good,” Zach said.

“It is?”

“Yeah Lousia likes him,” Zach said, flopping down onto the bed next to him.

David had no idea where this conversation was going.

“I… ok… what?” 

“It’s a long story, but Lousia was coming over to study-”

“Study?” David asked, raising an eyebrow.

Zach had been back and forth over starting something with Lousia. Last David had heard they were just friends, not that it stopped Zach pining.

“Yeah study… seriously nothing is going on,” Zach insisted.

“You want it to though,” David pointed out.

“Yes hence why I was facetiming Matteo,” Zach said.

“Ok back up. You’re facetiming  _ my _ boyfriend now? For relationship advice?” David demanded.

“Yes obviously, keep up. Matteo’s a really good boyfriend, of course I’m going to go to him for advice,” Zach said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

David was almost offended.

“Am I not a good boyfriend? Do you not want advice from me?” he asked.

“I need advice from like a normal person. You know someone who isn’t like super cool, who doesn’t flirt with everyone, someone who doesn’t ooze confidence you know?”

“Ok I don’t flirt with everyone, did you say that to Matteo?”

“No, but he knows, we all do. And Matteo’s just more my level, like I’m not as quiet as him sure, but when it comes to stuff like this, he gets it,” Zach said.

David knew what he meant.

“Ok,” he agreed.

“And he’s really romantic,” Zach said.

“He is,” David agreed, smiling.

Matteo had planned their whole valentine’s date. Chosen the movies, gotten the evening off work so that David didn’t have to stay up too late. Asked Ines to make him a nice dinner because he couldn’t. Yeah his boy was romantic.

“So I was getting advice on like how to approach this Louisa thing when she showed up early,” Zach explained.

“Ok?”

“And then they talked for a little on the phone, about Germany and video games and stuff. And then when he had to go he hung up. And then Lousia was all like oh my god he’s so cute,” Zach groaned, throwing a hand across his face.

“Well I mean he is,” David said.

“Yes we know David, you love Matteo he’s adorable and cute and the greatest person to ever walk the earth. But we can’t have Louisa thinking that he’s cuter than me,” he whined.

“No that's true. I mean he is, Matteo is cuter than anyone. But I get what you mean,” David said.

Zach removed his arm from his face to glare at him.

“God you’re annoying,” he muttered.

“No but-”

There was a loud knocking at the door of the apartment, startling them both.

“Huh?” David said, sitting up.

“No one buzzed,” Zach said, frowning.

David got up and headed to the door, Zach following him out of the room. But he stayed back.

“Well don’t answer, it could be a murderer,” he said.

David rolled his eyes then looked through the peephole.

“It's just some guy,” he said.

Zach shrugged so David opened the door.

“Hi?”

“Hi I’m looking for my daughter,” he said, trying to step into the apartment.

David blocked him with the door.

“Ok? I think you’ve got the wrong place,” he was American so he couldn’t be looking for Ines or Ana.

“No she lives here I pay the rent,” the man said.

That didn’t make any sense, he was obviously confused.

“No I- oh fuck!”

David realised who the man was a second too late.

“Don’t let him in!” Zach yelled.

David turned to see Zach standing there in the middle of the living room, fists clenched, face red. David made to close the door, but the man pushed passed him, forcing his way into the living room.

“Hey you can’t-”

“Get out!” Zach yelled.

“Sweetheart what is going on? Your brother had to find you online He said you’ve changed your name everywhere and-”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to do this, leave now,” Zach said, wringing his hands, looking around the room for any form of escape.

Daivd felt so sorry for him.

“Lizzie please-”

“My name is Zach!” he screamed.

Both David and Zach’s father flinched. But he didn’t stop.

“Ok I’m sorry I’m sorry ok Z- Zach ok, just calm down. Let me talk, I didn’t mean to do that. This is ok, it’s a lot but it’s ok,” he insisted, taking a tentative step toward his son.

Zach glared and took a step back.

“It's not ok! Get out! You can’t just come here!”

“Liz- I mean Zach please, you can’t do this. You didn’t even come home for Christmas. We miss you,” his dad insisted.

David wanted to leave, he didn’t want to be there at all witnessing this, but he was frozen. Zach’s dad seemed genuine, but he understood Zach’s reaction too. 

“Oh you think  _ she _ would be ok with this?  _ She _ would welcome me back with open arms?” Zach spat.

Zach's dad hesitated 

“Exactly,” he muttered.

“She’ll come around, she just needs more time, you know what she’s like. But we still love you.  _ I _ love you, you are my… child and that won’t change, please talk to me, tell me whats going on,” Zach’s dad begged.

Zach stared at him for a moment longer and then he stormed into his room slamming the door behind him.

“That went well,” Zach’s dad muttered to himself.

He sat down on the sofa and buried his head in his hands. 

David didn't know what to do. Zach’s dad seemed to genuinely want to try, which threw him. It wasn’t what he was expecting at all. He’d built up a picture of Zach’s parents in his head, based on the little information Zach had mentioned, so when his father showed up, willing to accept him, trying hard, and treating him better than his own parents ever had, David was completely thrown. He didn’t even know how to process it. What to say. He didn't know how he felt. Angry he thought.

“Do you mind if I wait?” Zach’s dad asked.

“Er sure,” David said.

He needed to get out of there, he didn’t want to sit with this man. No matter how nice he was, it was just a reminder of what he didn’t have.

“I feel like such a shitty father, I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have shown up. I didn’t mean to blindside her. Shit. Him? Right? Fuck.”

“Him,” David affirmed, perching on the arm of the sofa.

“But… he... hasn’t called and I was worried sick. And I’m fucking all this up, I’m saying everything wrong,” he said.

David thought he was actually doing pretty well, considering how new this was to him, he was trying at least.

“When Steven found all that stuff online we didn’t know what to think. I mean Steven figured it out, and tried to explain it to us. But I still didn’t believe it you know? Their mother isn’t taking it well, Z-Zach is right about that. But she’ll come around right? I don’t know how to do any of this, maybe I should’ve prepared better, I literally just jumped in the car and came here. I should’ve figured out what to say.”

“I think… I think maybe he wants a fight. I think he’s been building up to a confrontation in his head and that’s not what you’ve done. You didn’t fight or yell, and now he’s a bit lost.”

“There would’ve been yelling if Lucy had come with me. Her- Zach’s mother, there would have been the fight he’s waiting for. I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

“Do you love him?”

“Of course. Always, my first born… child…”

“Son, he’s your son,” David insisted.

“Yes you’re right. My son, I love him.”

The door opened and Zach stepped out, tears streaming down his face.

“Zach. please don’t fight me. I’m here for you, and I love you, I’m sorry for showing up and freaking you out, but I was worried. You are my... son ok? Let me help you, I’m still your father, you’re still my child, let me take care of you,” he begged.

Zach nodded.

“Ok,” he whispered, allowing his father to pull him into a hug.

David just got up and walked out of the apartment. He didn't want to be there anymore.

He walked for over an hour, before he ended up in a park somewhere, he had no idea where. He threw himself down on a bench, huffing and scowling. What was wrong with him? Why was he sulking about this? He should be happy for Zach, happy that his father loved him unconditionally, the way it’s supposed to be. 

His phone rang in his pocket. David ignored it. It was probably Zach wondering where he went.

It rang again. He huffed and pulled it out.

Matteo.

David sighed and answered the call.

“Everything ok?” Matteo asked immediately. 

Not even a hello.

“Why?”

“Zach texted, told me to call you,” Matteo said.

Of course he did.

“I don’t even know,” David said, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

He glared at the passersby, who were ignoring him anyway. Too busy to care about his tantrum. He was jealous, and he hated it, hated that he was feeling this way.

“So what’s going on?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” David asked.

“David,” Matteo said.

“Zach’s dad showed up,” David said.

“Is Zach ok?”

David wanted to scream.

“Yes Matteo Zach is fucking fine because his dad loves him no matter what! His dad is going to use his name and the correct pronouns and learn all about it so he can be a good father. His dad is doing what any decent fucking parent should do!”

“Ah,” Matteo said gently.

“I know I’m being shitty ok? I know this, but I can’t help it. Matteo it’s not fair,” David said.

The anger was leaving him now and he just wanted to cry.

“I know.”

“Why couldn’t they love me Matteo?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how anyone couldn’t,” Matteo said softly.

“You’re biased though,” David said, slumping against the bench. 

He felt exhausted now, drained. It was cold too, he had his jacket thankfully, but hadn't stopped to grab his scarf.

“Not really, everyone you meet loves you instantly,” Matteo argued.

“But not them,” David said.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.

“I hate them. I still love them but I hate them so much,” David said.

“I know,” Matteo sighed, “Have you contacted them since you left?”

“Ha left, like I had a fucking choice. No I haven’t they… they call Laura sometimes, I… they never ask for me, I may as well be dead to them,” David said.

“You don’t need them,” Matteo reminded him.

David sighed and closed his eyes. He knew this, he’d told himself over and over, but right now it didn’t help him.

“I know, but it doesn’t make it any easier,” he said.

“Yeah.”

“I wish you were here,” David said.

“I wish you were  _ here _ ,” Matteo said.

“Actually me too, are you at work?” 

“Nah I left to call you, I’m in the park,” he told him.

“Me too, I’m in  _ a _ park, no idea where. It’s nice though, quiet. Like there are people here but they’re ignoring me,” David said.

“Sounds lovely. Are you ok?”

“I don’t know. I think, I think I overreacted or... not overreacted but I think the way I reacted means maybe I’m not quite as ok with what happened as I thought,” David admitted.

“That’s ok, you know? It’s ok that you’re upset now, all this time later,” Matteo said.

“Maybe I should talk to someone, I mean obviously I can talk to you but…”

“Talk to someone in your LGBT society, you said they offer counselling, you got it for Zach right? Try them to start with,” Matteo suggested.

“Yeah, yeah I will. I really thought I was ok,” he said quietly.

“You tell me all the time, I don’t have to be ok everyday, some days are bad and that’s ok, that applies to you too,” Matteo reminded him.

David sighed, and wrapped his coat tighter around his shoulders. The February air was biting.

“I know, I know. Oh I miss you. I don’t need them, but I need you. I never missed them you know? Not at the time when I left. Do you want to know the first time I did miss them?” he asked.

“When?”

“The day I met your mum,” David told him.

“Oh I-”

“And it’s not a bad thing, I love her so much, but watching you two together, it made me miss them. I don’t know why my mum is nothing like yours,” David said.

“What do you mean?” Matteo asked, curiously.

“Just that she’s not very warm. Everything has to be proper you know? She cares more about what other people think,” David explained.

“What’s your dad like?” Matteo asked.

“Like… not really interested, I don’t think he ever wanted kids, me or Laura… actually he wanted a son, I know that. But when he got one I guess that wasn’t good enough,” David said.

“It’s their loss David, that they don’t get to know you, that they don’t get to see how wonderful you are. It’s their lives that are duller without you in it, empty without you. They are the losers here, not you. You have so much more than them yeah? Like I know how scared I am of the future, but I know it’s going to be good. It has to be because I have you and we’re going to have such a good life. And you know what? We will have kids one day, and we’ll prove your parents and my dad wrong. We’ll show them what good parents are supposed to be like. We will have a family and we’ll show everyone how it supposed to be done. I mean if you want of course…”

“I do, I do want that Matteo. You mean far into the future though right?”

“God yeah, can you imagine having kids now? What a nightmare, I want you to myself for another ten years yet,” Matteo said.

David could just imagine it now. Them, their children, a little house, perhaps a dog, it was so vivid, and what's more it was in reach. It was going to happen, it wasn’t some untouchable fantasy, it was his dream, the dream he’d had since he and Matteo first started dating, and it was their future.

“We are going to have such a great life Matteo,” David told him.

“The best,” he agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of Zach this chapter, wanted to flesh out his backstory a bit, get to know more about him.  
We're getting closer and closer to the reunion now, I can't wait to reunite them, I've already written it, just got to get them there.  
Any comments? Criticisms? Updates on my progress? Let me know here or [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	8. day 230 - knuckle down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David laid back on the bed, waiting for Matteo to call him back. He’d called him excitedly ten minutes ago, to tell him that he was definitely at least halfway done with the film and that it was coming together nicely, and to inform Matteo that there were only fifty-four days to go until he came home. They’d been doing that ever since it became less than a hundred, because the number seemed doable now.

David never thought it would happen, but for the first time since he arrived in New York, he felt that time was going too fast. The days were flying by. He had only five weeks until his final project was due. Everything was on track, and he had about half the footage he needed already, but he still felt like time was moving so fast. 

He would get everything done, but it was going to be a busy few weeks, he’d barely seen his roommates. He’d spent a few nights in the studios, not deliberately he’d just lost track of time and passed out on the desks. 

He liked it though, being busy like this, it was the way he liked to work. And it helped that it provided a welcome distraction from missing Matteo. In fact, for the first time since he’d left, Matteo was not at the forefront of his mind. Not that he didn’t think of him all the time, but now he was sharing space with his project.

This was fine because David knew he was sharing Matteo’s thoughts with the looming exams. Matteo was stressing badly. He had been taking David’s calls but barely talking, distracted and swimming in his study notes. David got it, he stayed patient but he was worried.

Jonas and Hanna were staying with him now, keeping an eye on, which Matteo wasn’t happy about, but was too distracted to argue. But this way Jonas was able to keep David up to date with how Matteo was doing. 

David knew he would be fine, they’d gone through this last year and come out on top, Matteo much to his surprise and not at all a surprise to David, had passed all his exams, no resits, with the highest grades. He could have done that well in high school too if he’d had a therapist advising the school how best to treat his studies. Still, they were there now.

David laid back on the bed, waiting for Matteo to call him back. He’d called him excitedly ten minutes ago, to tell him that he was definitely at least halfway done with the film and that it was coming together nicely, and to inform Matteo that there were only fifty-four days to go until he came home. They’d been doing that ever since it became less than a hundred because the number seemed doable now.

Matteo had snapped at him and told him to leave him alone and find a boyfriend who wasn’t going to fail all his exams and then hung up the phone.

All David could do was wait.

He knew Matteo didn’t mean it, knew how wound up he got from the stress. Last year it had been easier because Matteo couldn’t hang up on him when he was there with him. He could shut the door on him, lock himself in their room, but David could keep talking him through it, calming him down. This was a lot harder. All he could do was wait.

It was another five minutes before the phone rang.

David swiped to answer and sighed when he saw the state Matteo was in. His face was red and wet from tears. He was moving about, pacing his room so fast David could barely keep track of the shaky camera angles. 

“Matteo,” he said softly.

“I’m sorry for shouting at you,” Matteo said.

The screen went black for a moment as Matteo threw himself onto their bed. Then it wobbled a lot as Matteo turned over and propped it up on the pillow beside him.

“You didn’t shout,” David said, once it was still and Matteo was in view.

“Ok, then I’m sorry for hanging up,” he said, closing his eyes.

He opened them again when David didn’t say anything.

“I forgive you, I get it you’re stressed baby, I’m not mad at you,” David said.

“I wanna quit,” Matteo said, rolling over and almost knocking the phone over.

He turned so he was face down in the pillow and screamed.

“No, you don’t,” David argued.

He frowned, sitting down at his desk. This was a lot harder to do at a distance. The easiest way to calm Matteo down was through touch, but he couldn’t do that right now. He couldn’t cuddle him and stroke his hair. He couldn’t kiss his cheeks and wipe away the tears.

But he could listen, Matteo needed to vent, and there was nothing David would rather do than listen to Matteo.

Matteo turned over again and faced him.

“No, I don't,” Matteo agreed, “I want to do well,” he said.

“And you will,” David said.

“I’m so nervous David you have no idea. I went to church to pray David that's how stressed I am,” he told him.

“Really?”

The idea of Matteo praying surprised him. He went to church a lot these days, but mostly for his mother.

“Well not really, I went to sing, but I prayed and lit a candle just in case,” Matteo said.

“Did you dress smartly?”

David liked Matteo’s get up for choir, he looked so cute in his button-down and smart trousers. His hair combed neatly. On special occasions, he even wore a tie.

“No just my normal clothes, it was just practice,” Matteo said.

“Oh Matteo, what would the lord say?” David teased.

“Would you stop? You should’ve seen what Hans was wearing,” Matteo said.

Hans loved going along to watch Matteo sing, he’d often accompany David and sit in the pews with him. It was always the quietest he’d ever know him. Together they would watch Matteo with their undivided attention.

“Crop top and a thong?” David asked.

Matteo choked and finally laughed, and David knew he was doing fine. Yes he was stressed, yes these next few weeks would be hard, but he was coping, he just needed to manage letting it all out. And talking helped.

“Jesus Christ David,” Matteo muttered.

“That would be scandalous,” David agreed.

“My mother was there remember,” Matteo said, but he was smiling now, and he had relaxed into the pillow. 

“Ok ok,” David said.

“I was only going to say he was wearing his extravagant fur coat, it was just a bit glamorous to come to watch me practice is all, he looked like he was my rich stepmum or something,” he said.

David laughed, he could imagine that. But Hans always liked to look good.

“Tell me about the movie,” Matteo said.

“It’s about me,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“And you, and home and what it means. But I don’t want to tell you too much,” David said.

He wanted to watch it with Matteo, he wanted to see Matteo’s face when he watched it.

“Will I get to see it?” Matteo asked.

“I’ll show you when I come home if that's ok, I want to watch it with you,” he said.

“Will it make me cry?” Matteo asked.

“Probably. I mean you cry at vacuum cleaner commercials,” David teased.

“Shut up I'm an emotional person,” Matteo muttered.

It was true, Matteo cried very easily, when he was sad and when he was happy. It took a long while for David to get used to. Always fussing over him, trying to stop him crying, but he soon realised sometimes Matteo just needed it and while he liked David there with him, he shouldn't try to stop it. Should just let him. David was almost jealous of it sometimes.

“You are, and that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes I wish I could just let my emotions show,” David admitted.

“Well you’re certainly a lot better than when we first met, god,” Matteo said, smiling fondly at him.

“That's true,” David agreed, smiling back at him.

“Man I thought you were so mysterious, mister  _ I killed someone and had to go into hiding _ ,” Matteo said.

He grinned at David and rolled his eyes.

“Did you think I was cool?” David asked.

“Uh yeah? I thought you were the coolest guy I’d ever met, seriously I was gone for you by the eyelash thing,” 

“Oh god the eyelash,  _ can I make a wish now? _ You were so cute, seriously, it was so hard to be cool, all I wanted to do was make you smile. Ugh and then Sara came along and kissed you right in front of me,” David said.

He scowled at the memory and Matteo laughed at him.

“Yeah and you just walked off,” Matteo reminded him.

“Well I was furious,” David said.

Matteo smirked at him.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah, like how dare she?”

“I mean she was my girlfriend,” he said.

“You very clearly didn’t want to kiss her,” David argued.

“You’re being mean,” Matteo said softly.

“I know, oh I was really angry though at the time, there I was giving you all my best flirting and she just interrupted us,” David said.

Matteo just laughed and ran his hand through his hair.

“Believe me I was just as annoyed,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he murmured.

He sighed and closed his eyes, David could tell he was so much calmer now. The tension had gone from his shoulders, and the worry lines were fading from his face.

“How are you feeling now?” he whispered.

“Better I… like I’m still stressed but…”

“But?”

“But once this hell is all over you’ll be home right?”

“Fifty-four days babe,” David said, glancing at the crosses on the wall calendar.

“God, can you believe it's been over two hundred days since you left? I know it’s a long time but honestly right now all I can think is that means there's maybe ten days until my first exam,” he said, groaning.

“What is it?”

“Logic two,” Matteo said, he reached out and stretched over the edge of the bed.

When he came back he waved a textbook at the screen, and flicked through the pages, showing David his detailed annotations and post its.

David grinned at him.

“Well you’re good at that, didn’t you get like a ninety-three in logic one?” he asked.

Matteo had got all high grades in his first-year courses, his only low grade was in some compulsory maths course, which was structure too rigidly for the way Matteo’s mind worked, and not fun for him at all. He’d passed it but just barely.

Matteo just blinked at him.

“What?” David asked, frowning at the confused expression on Matteo’s face.

“How do you remember that?” Matteo asked.

“Babe I remember all your test scores, Matteo you did so well last year, of course I remember them, I’m proud of you,” David said.

Matteo looked a little like he would cry, but then he smiled.

“Nobody ever paid attention to my test scores before,” he whispered.

David stared sadly at him.

“Oh,” he said softly.

“I can remember once I was maybe twelve and I got a hundred per cent on an algebra test, Jonas kept teasing me but I was the only one in class. And I remember I went home, I was so excited…”

David could pretty much guess where the story was going. He’d heard enough of them by now.

“What happened?” he asked softly.

“I told mama and she was like  _ that’s nice Matteo _ , but she didn’t really understand, but that’s ok, she wasn’t doing so good at the time,” he explained.

“She is so proud of you,” David said.

Matteo nodded, blinking rapidly.

“I know, I know that now, but I'm not mad at her. I get it, but papa…”

David gritted his teeth, he didn’t even want to ask. He knew he wasn’t going to like the answer, he never did when it came to Matteo’s father. It seemed unlikely at this point that he was ever going to meet him, but if he ever did the man was in serious danger of being decked. Well not quite, David would, of course, refrain from violence for Matteo’s sake, but the other man didn’t have to know that.

“What did he say?” David asked gently.

“Told me to go away,” Matteo mumbled, looking down at his hands.

“What?”

“He was on the phone, all I wanted was for him to say well done,” Matteo explained quietly.

He still wasn’t looking at him.

“God I hate him,” David muttered.

Matteo looked up at him again, a small smile on his face, amused at his anger.

“You’ve never met him,” Matteo reminded him.

“I just hate him, Matteo, I don’t know how you don’t,” David said.

Matteo didn’t hate his father. He didn’t like the man, and he never wanted anything to do with him. They spoke maybe once a year on the phone, but whatever fragile relationship they’d had was ruined. They were never close, to begin with. His father up and leaving had destroyed any chance of a father-son bond between them. But he didn’t hate him.

Matteo just shrugged.

“You never hate anyone you’re so good,” he whispered.

Matteo just grinned. 

David grinned back when he remembered something.

“Except Frau Meyer though,” David reminded.

“Oh god, I do. I hate her,” Matteo whined.

David laughed Frau Meyer was a little old lady, a regular at the cafe where Matteo worked. She was, according to Matteo, the most annoying customer in the world. She was rude, demanding, and nothing was ever good enough for her. David would find it a lot funnier if she didn’t call Matteo stupid and lazy on a regular basis.

Because Matteo was neither of those things and far from it, and David often worried that he would believe it when people said it to him. So while Matteo probably didn’t actually hate Frau Meyer, not capable of such things. But David did on principle.

“She came in the other day, and told me she suspected the tortelloni  _ I’d _ made, no  _ I’d _ slaved over, was frozen like store-bought! Can you believe it?”

David snorted a laugh. He may have hated the woman, but Matteo’s theatrics over her were always amusing.

“How dare she a simple German woman question the authenticity of your Italian delicacies,?” he asked, trying to keep a straight face.

Matteo was deadly serious in his outrage. He was so annoyed he sat up again for a moment, running his hand through his hair, before flopping back down again. David just spun in his desk chair, watching him in amusement.

“Right?”

“I mean who does she think she is?” David asked, humouring him.

Matteo nodded enthusiastically, obviously glad David was on his side.

“I know like how dare- you’re teasing me?” 

He scowled at him.

“No, it’s just funny, you’re so chill and laid back at work and this one little old lady is the bane of your life,” David said.

“She hit me with her umbrella last week,” Matteo informed him pointedly.

“Hit you?”

“Like tapped my leg,” Matteo clarified.

“Did you call the police?”

“Stop it,” Matteo muttered.

“You’re smiling though,” David said.

Matteo nodded.

“Do you think I can do it?” he asked quietly.

David knew the conversation was always going to come back to exams, but now Matteo was calmer, relaxed. He knew he was going to be ok. All Matteo needed was a little more reassurance and he would be fine.

“What?”

“Pass the year,” Matteo said.

“Yes, of course, you’ve worked so hard,” David told him.

“But what if it's not enough?”

David knew Matteo was going to pass, he was on track with all his coursework so far. There was no reason for him to fail. But it was hard to fight self-doubt, if Matteo was worried about failing, nothing David could say would make him believe otherwise. He wouldn't believe it until he had the grade sheet in his hand. Still, David would do what he could to ease the worry.

“If you were to fail, what will you do?” David asked gently.

“See before, in high school I would have probably just given up. Accepted that I was just stupid I guess,” Matteo said.

For too long he had believed his struggle in school was due to a lack of intellect, rather than his precarious mental health. David wished he could say it was him that had convinced him otherwise, but ultimately that responsibility had fallen to Amira. 

Amira who had called weekly from Australia suggesting suitable courses for Matteo at the University. Amira who had convinced Matteo to contact the school, explain his situation and find out what they could do to accommodate him. David had obviously believed in and supported Matteo, but Amira was his true cheerleader in this. 

“But now?”

“I would try again because I want to do well,” Matteo said.

David just smiled at him, Matteo blushed and ducked his head.

“I know. You’ve come so far and we’re all so proud of you,” David said, beaming at him. 

Matteo was still blushing, refusing to look at him, he’d turned now so that he was facing the ceiling.

"You're going to be top of the year I'm sure of it," David insisted.

Matteo looked at him again. He rolled his eyes, but David knew he loved the praise. It was something he’d needed for a long time. It was something David had picked up on very early on in their relationship, that Matteo needed a lot of extra reassurance, but when he got it, it did so much for his self-confidence. He became so much more willing to speak up, contribute, to voice and volunteer his ideas.

“Next year is year three,” Matteo said.

There was excitement in his voice now, he wanted to share something. He had an idea.

“What happens in year three?” David asked, just as enthusiastically.

“I have to do a big project,” Matteo said, sitting up and shuffling so that he was comfortable, before picking up the phone.

“Ooh ok?”

“I’m really excited,” he said.

“What are you going to do?” David asked.

“Well when I first started, last year, I told you I was going to make some epic video game, remember?”

Matteo had come back from the first day of his programming degree with grand ideas, he was going to make the next Skyrim or Zelda or something. David was just happy to see him so enthusiastic, doing something he loved.

“I do,” he said.

“And I still want to do that one day, but… you know that little app I made to remind me of my prescriptions? And to take my meds and to book my appointments?”

Yes,” David said.

Matteo had made it early in his course when he’d learnt about app making, because the calendar reminders on his phone weren’t quite cutting it. It was nothing fancy, but it really worked for him. Prompting him when he forgot to take his meds, then prompting him again later in the day if he’d ignored it. Letting him know when it was time to pick up his prescription. Helping him schedule his therapy appointments around work and his classes, that sort of thing. 

“I want to work on that, I think maybe it would maybe help other people too,” he explained.

David nodded enthusiastically. 

“It would Matteo,” he said.

“And I’d like that, you know? I thought it was just me that got all forgetful and lost track. But there’s this girl Jenni on my course, she has depression too. She’s just been off for a month because she stopped taking her meds. Just because she kept forgetting and lost track of how long it had been, and then she started slipping. And that’s just like me right?" he asked. 

“Right,” David agreed.

“And so I've put it on her phone too, and she said it's the best thing ever, and now if she doesn’t report in that she’s taken her meds it texts me! Isn't that cool? And then I can just remind her and like I won't bother her too much or anything, but I’ll check in that she’s doing ok. Isn’t that awesome?"

“It really is Matteo,” he said. 

Matteo beamed at him.

“Like I didn't even think about that idea for myself, until I thought it was something Jenni might need,” Matteo explained.

David got what he was hinting at.

“Is it something you might need?” he asked gently.

"Yeah, I think so yeah, I mean you’re pretty good at checking on me, without being annoying but…”

“We could set it up so that I'm notified?”

Matteo nodded.

“Yes, and I have all these other ideas. Like Amira and I were having lunch and she suggested I could put in draft messages, like templates you know?”

“Yes, like when you’re not feeling up to your appointment and even writing a text is hard for you,” David said.

"Yes! I love that you always get what I mean! It’s going to be good right?" he asked. 

“It’s going to be amazing. Matteo, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy you’ve found something you’re happy doing,” David said.

He loved when Matteo got like this when he got so excited he started babbling, David would listen to Matteo talk about computer programming for hours if it meant he would talk. He just loved to listen to him.

“Yes, it’s so great. You’re going to become this amazing filmmaker and I’ll just follow you around everywhere with my laptop just making apps. It’s hardly even work, just like cooking at the cafe, because its fun, and if it gets too stressful, I’ll just sell them to google or whatever because you'll be rich and famous by then,” Matteo said.

“Easy life for you?”

“Next year you have to make a big movie right? Like a long one?”

“Yeah, barely any classes, just focusing my time on the movie,” David said, leaning back in his chair. 

He couldn't wait. 

“Do you know what you're going to do?” Matteo asked.

“I have a lot of ideas at the moment,” David said. 

“Mm?”

"I think I want to make it about a transgender character, like properly," he explained. 

Matteo frowned. 

"Properly?" 

"Like everything I’ve made so far, like it’s mentioned or hinted at but I think I want to go more in-depth, like more explicit," he continued. 

Matteo's frown deepened and David knew exactly what he was thinking. 

"Explicit like sexy?" he whispered. 

David snorted. 

"No Matteo explicit as in clear and defined, not as in sexual," David explained, watching as Matteo's ears went pink. 

“Thank god, I thought you were going to say you wanted to make a dirty movie about us or something," he muttered, going redder and redder. 

“Oh, you don't think I should show the professors what I have on my phone-" 

"Absolutely not! David!" Matteo hissed going bright red now. 

David just grinned at him.

"It’ll be so good though, whatever you make. I can't wait to watch everything you ever make," he said softly, his cheeks were still pink, but his eyes were fond. 

David sighed. 

"Oh, I love you so much, Teo. Your exams are going to go great and you can call me before each one no matter what the time. I’ll only ignore you if I'm in a lecture," he said.

"And you can call to talk about your film no matter what, I apologise in advance for being grumpy," Matteo offered, with a shrug and a lopsided smile.

David laughed and looked up at his calendar. Again he counted the days until his flight. Fifty-four days to go. It finally felt like time was moving again after such a slow first few months. He had his project to keep him busy for the next five or six weeks, and then it would finally be time to go home. 

Time to go back to Matteo, his home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are so close now! I'm finishing up the reunion now, I can't believe we're almost here. More than that I can't believe this all started from a prompt. Almost at that scene now. Final chapter count is set. Two more chapters to go after this one.


	9. day 253 - homesick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> David's movie is here! Hope you like it. Next week - The Reunion! It's ready, it's written, I can't believe this story is almost over. If the person who sent in the original prompt is still reading, I hope you've enjoyed this so far, and that you like the conclusion next week!

David stood in front of his class, shuffling nervously. It was time to show his film. He was near the end due to his surname and he'd already watched a lot of good films over the past few days. But he was excited too. He wanted to show the class. He was proud of what he’d achieved that year, proud of the film he’d made.

“Hi I’m David,” he laughed nervously, “obviously you know that. Er… this is my film, it’s called  _ Homesick.  _ It’s pretty self-explanatory. I pretty much came up with the idea as soon as I got on the plane headed here, and it’s grown and developed over the year I spent here. Ok. Here we go.”

He took his seat to the side and pressed play.

The dark screen cut to the first scene, a clip from a home movie. It showed David and Laura age five and nine respectively, splashing around in the sea, on a beach in Spain. They were on their summer vacation.

_ When I was five, my sister and I went to Spain on a family holiday. It was my first time away from home. I don’t remember much but I don’t think I ever felt homesick. I was probably too young to understand the concept. We went again every year until I was eleven, but I still never missed home. I never had any strong desire to go back. Laura was with me, even as she got moodier and more teenage. That was all I needed, I didn’t need to go home, because I had Laura. _

The video faded and cut to another clip, Laura older than in the first clip, with some friends. They are laughing and joking, running through the streets. The Eiffel Tower in the background.

_ When I was nine, Laura went away to Paris on a school trip. I was left behind. I wasn’t homesick but I think that’s probably the first time I’ve experienced something close. I was left behind with my parents, and without Laura there I was suddenly unhappy. I didn’t want to be there with them. They never understood me like she did. She was only gone for a few days, but I can still remember how miserable I felt. _

The video changed to a photo. An action shot of a twelve-year-old David, flying down a zip wire, mouth frozen open in a joyous roar. He had on an orange helmet, which he’d decorated with pokemon stickers.

_ When I was twelve I went away on an adventure camp, for a whole month. I had so much fun that I didn’t even think of home. I think I maybe called Laura all of twice the entire time I was there. Some of the other kids didn’t feel the same way. I remember walking into the dorm to find Markus crying because he missed his parents, he just wanted to go home. _

_ Most of the other kids weren’t as extreme as Markus, but still, they talked about missing home a lot more than I ever considered. Like I missed my parents a bit but not nearly as much as the other kids. I missed my stuff, and I missed Laura, but not my home. I started thinking maybe that it was weird that I felt this way. But so much other stuff was going on, that I couldn’t really deal with it. _

The next photo was an old abandoned apartment block, boarded up windows, graffiti all over the walls, weed’s sprouting up through the concrete.

_ When I was fourteen I ran away from home for the first time. School was shit. Home was even shittier and I couldn't deal with it. I couldn’t be the child my parents wanted, and they just wouldn’t even try to understand me. Laura was leaving soon for University. So I ran. I found this place and stayed there for a week before Laura could convince me to come home. I liked it there, it was a shithole, but I felt more comfortable there in that damp, freezing building than I ever did at home. _

Another photo, David age sixteen, in his new room at Laura’s apartment. He’s scowling at the camera, Laura behind the lens.

_ When I was sixteen I left home for good. Ran away to live with my sister. She welcomed me with open arms. I couldn’t bear my so called home anymore, couldn’t bear to stay there with my parents who wouldn’t accept me, wouldn’t call me David, wouldn’t let me just be me. _

_ And all I felt was relief. I didn't miss it for a long time. I do now miss the concept. My childhood was good or at least average for the most part, things only got hard when I was older. I do miss my parents. Some people would be surprised but it’s true. They’re not bad people, they just don’t understand and they’re not willing to put in the effort. Even though I’m their son. _

The screen cut to another video. David and Zach playing video games and talking. 

“Do you ever get homesick?” David asked him.

Zach thought about it for a minute, then shook his head. 

“No. Yes. All the time. Like things are getting better with my dad but I still can’t go home. My mom straight up asked me not to, so why do I miss it. I’m being dumb right?” he asked.

“Not at all. I think that’s normal to miss home. I just, I never did. When I first left I never missed them. I was just happy to be away,” David explained.

He paused the video game, and put down the controller, turning to face Zach.

“If… if she said I could come home, I would be there in a heartbeat,” Zach admitted quietly. “Even after all she’s said about me, even after everything, it’s still my home in a wa y.”

David nodded.

“I do miss my parents but…”

“We’re different you and I. You’re a lot less forgiving I think. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing, but whereas I desperately crave my parents’ approval, you’re already strong enough to know you don’t need it. You deserve it, always, but you don’t need it. Does that make sense?” Zach asked.

“They always seemed embarrassed of me, even when I was little. They wanted me to be less rough, more gentle, more girly, more like Laura I guess. So even at a young age, I was aware that I wasn’t what they wanted. Made it easier to leave I guess,” David explained.

“I think for me, I would go back the moment they asked because it’s still my home. But so is here with you guys, and all the friends I’ve made at school. This is the first time in my life I’ve felt understood and accepted. I think even if I ever did go back I would as a visit, but I don’t think it will ever be like it was. I’m happy here, comfortable,” Zach said.

David nodded.

The screen freezes on them smiling together.

_ This year I’ve learnt more about what I consider to be home, since leaving it behind. _

The video cut to a capture of a video call, between him and Matteo, Matteo’s face filling the screen, David in the corner.

“When you left home, your mother’s house did you feel homesick?” David asked.

Matteo was quiet for a long time, thinking it over, David had pre-warned him what he was going to ask but still, it was hard for him. He was silent for three full minutes, the only thing moving on the screen was the counter timing their call going up.

“That’s a hard question,” he said finally. “Yes, I did. Every day I wanted to just go back, I really did, but I couldn’t you know?”

“I know,” David said softly.

“But I was relieved too because it no longer felt safe there. I was struggling so badly, and I needed to get away,” he said.

“What about when you moved in with me? When you left your old apartment?” David asked.

“No, it wasn’t the same, because I wanted to move in with you. Like yeah I missed Hans and Linn and Mia, but I couldn’t feel homesick, because I was moving home, I was making my home with you,” Matteo explained.

“So our apartment, that's home now?” David asked.

“No nowhere is home right now,” Matteo said.

“Nowhere?”

“Since you left nowhere, this-” he turned and gestured around their room, “doesn’t feel the same,” he said.

“Do you remember back when you first moved to New York, and I told you the bed felt cold without you here?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah?”

“Well, it’s the whole apartment. It’s everywhere I go, it’s just cold and sad without you. You’re literal sunshine and warmth to me David, and since you left, things have been pretty dark. I think what I'm trying to say is that it's you. You’re my home, you took home with you when you left and I can’t wait for you to bring it back.”

“Jesus fucking christ Matteo,” David muttered from the corner of the screen.

“What too gay?”

“I love you so fucking much,” David said.

“Mood,” Matteo said, smirking on the screen.

“And I hate you the same amount,” David added.

“That’s fair,” Matteo said, sticking out his tongue.

The video faded to a picture of David on his sofa, Matteo asleep on his shoulder in their apartment.

_ When I was eighteen I learnt what home was. I learnt that it wasn’t really a place, but that it could be a person, for me that person is Matteo. _

_ When I moved here for this school year I finally learnt what homesick meant. Because for the first time in my life I experienced it first hand. When I left Matteo behind at the airport it was like I left part of myself behind. _

_ Now don’t get me wrong, I have had a great year, and I would do it all again, despite how painful it was. But it has been hard because I’ve never known what it’s like to miss something, miss someone as much as this. Jumping it to it for nine months was a hell of a move, a hell of a first experience of homesickness. _

_ When I read online, to research homesickness, a lot of the posts said that you had to leave, to truly appreciate what you had. While I get the concept, that does not apply for me. Leaving home for the first time did not make me appreciate it any more. The sheer relief I felt at getting away from there, overshadowed any other feelings I may have had. _

_ When I knew I was coming here, in the months before I left, I knew it was going to be hard, I knew every single day was going to be painful. I knew for both me and Matteo, it was not going to get any easier. I did not need to leave Matteo to know how difficult it would be, how much I would miss him. _

_ Home for me is Matteo, it’s my connection to him, my desire to be with him all the time, the need to be with him physically, emotionally and completely. _

_ Homesickness for me is the absence of Matteo. _

The screen faded to black and David turned the lights back up, grinning and blushing as his classmates clapped, cheered, and applauded him. Some people were crying and he realised he was too. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. That was it. He was done, his year abroad complete. All he could do was smile.


	10. day 263 - reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter, no summary because the title says it all.
> 
> This is it, I can't quite believe we are here. I've been waiting to get to this chapter since the start but as it got closer I've been more and more reluctant to get there because that means it's over.
> 
> But don't mind sad old me! Enjoy!
> 
> Please take note the rating of this fic changed, I never set out to include an nsfw scene but it was pertinent to the story and these boys have been apart for nine months so it got written and I kept it in.

So David was done. All his work was complete. He’d finished the year, he was top of the class, and his film was going to be shown at the summer film festival for the university. But he didn’t need to be there for that. He’d been invited, but he’d declined. He wanted to go home. He was tired. And in any case, his student visa expired before the festival started. 

But he was done. He could finally go home, that was all he wanted.

He’d had a fantastic year, met so many people. He’d made lifelong friends. Ana and Ines had already made plans to visit Berlin next summer, and they were working on getting Zach over to Europe too. They’d figure it out, it was just a case of logistics really. 

He’d learnt so much, from the best in the industry, he wouldn’t have gotten that back in Berlin. He knew that. He didn't regret it, it had been hard but so worth it.

But he was done, now he needed to go home. He couldn’t fly back for another three weeks. Laura had booked his tickets for him, back in March and he’d given extra time incase his projects overran, but they hadn’t. Everything was wrapped up on time.

There was only David and Ines left in the apartment, Ana had already gone home to Portos. Ines was staying another few weeks, she would be leaving after David. Zach had already moved into his apartment for next year, but he was over all the time. There would be new people moving in in the next couple of weeks.

David dragged himself out of the apartment, fed up of moping in his room. These next three weeks were going to be the hardest of the entire placement, he had nothing to distract him. He knew he was being silly, he had the entire city of New York to explore, but suddenly it just wasn’t appealing to him. It wasn’t fun when he was alone. 

What’s more, Matteo had told him that he was going to be busy working on a summer project for school, that he might not even be able to call every day.

He hadn’t called since yesterday morning. David was frustrated, to say the least. He'd even resorted to texting Jonas, asking him to pass messages on to Matteo. 

Jonas' responses hadn't inspired much confidence either. Asking David what he was up to, where he was going today. David told him he was going to campus and then repeated for Jonas to please tell Matteo to call him, even if it was only for a minute. 

David headed to campus, to see if anyone was about and if anyone wanted to hang out. He was bored and lonely and getting on Ines' nerves. 

He was walking across the green when he saw him standing there, swaying slightly as the other students bustled around him. No one else was paying him any attention. He had a rucksack swung over one shoulder and a small duffle clenched tightly in his hand. His eyes were closed, and his mouth open slightly. He must have been so overwhelmed from the flight, from navigating a new city, from all the people around him. Tired and confused from trying to figure out where in the school David might be. 

“Matteo,” David breathed.

Matteo was here. Standing there in the middle of the green. David wanted to go over. He wanted to run to him, wrap him up in his arms and never let him go again.

But he was frozen. He couldn’t move. He couldn't bring himself to go over in case none of this was real.

Matteo's eyes finally opened and he looked straight at David, finding him in the crowd instantly. They stood there staring at each other for what felt like an eternity, before finally, in sync, they began to move towards each other.

They didn’t run, just walked at a slow even pace, never breaking eye contact. Until they met, in the middle of the green, hundreds of students jostling around them.

“David,” Matteo whispered when they were toe to toe.

And that was all it took, David flung himself at Matteo, the same time he threw himself at David. Then they were clinging to each other. Matteo’s shoulders shaking as he sobbed. David fisted the material of his shirt, desperately trying to pull him even closer. He buried his face in Matteo’s neck, breathing him in.

And then he started to cry too, how could he not with Matteo falling apart in his arms? He held him tighter, refusing to ever let him go again. They just stood there, clinging to each other for what felt like hours. In reality, it was probably no more than a few minutes.

Finally, he pulled back and stared at the boy in his arms.

“You’re here,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Matteo breathed, just as awestruck.

“You’re really here,” David said. 

He swallowed hard and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“Surprise,” Matteo said.

And there it was, his lopsided grin. All David could do was reach out and grab his collar, pulling him in for a kiss. It was clumsy and messy and desperate. It was everything.

He hadn’t kissed Matteo in over two hundred and fifty days, and right now with Matteo’s lips against his own, he couldn’t believe he’d done it. Couldn’t believe he’d gone so long without this.

When he pulled back, he was breathless. Matteo wasn’t doing much better, panting and staring at him with wide eyes.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey,” David replied.

He held out his hand and Matteo took it.

“Let’s go back to the apartment ok?”

Matteo nodded.

“It’s a half-hour walk, but only five minutes on the subway. Do you have a ticket?”

Matteo nodded and took out his wallet, showing him his metrocard.

“It’ll be busy, it's always busy,” David warned.

Matteo tapped the big headphones that hung round his neck.

Slowly they walked toward the subway station, hand in hand. David felt giddy, excited. He wanted to run, dance, jump around. He didn’t though, on account of Matteo's very apparent exhaustion.

“I can’t believe you made it here. By yourself?”

“Jonas and Kiki helped, everyone helped,” Matteo said. “I’ve been saving up for the tickets since you left, I was always going to come,” he said. 

“Can’t believe you were so sneaky. And you were ok? Like the journey was ok?"

“Only got panicky at the airport, this side," Matteo said. 

David squeezed his hand tighter, worried. 

“Just the crowds, I'm fine, you’re here now,” Matteo said.

“I am,” David said.

By the time they got back to the apartment Matteo looked about ready to collapse, David let them into the apartment, and Matteo fell against him as he kicked off his shoes.

“Ok?”

“I’m just tired, that was a lot,” he mumbled.

David just wrapped an arm around him and leant against the wall for a minute.

“David are you home already?” Ines called out.

“Hi Ines,” he called back.

She walked out into the hall and stopped when she saw that he wasn’t alone.

“Oh?”

“Matteo is here,” David told her.

“Oh. Oh! Matteo! Oh my god!” she rushed up to them and Matteo buried himself further against David.

“Hi! Matteo! It’s so wonderful to meet you!” she said, excitedly.

Matteo turned his head and nodded tiredly.

“He’s tired,” David mouthed.

“Of course! Ok, you go get some sleep. Oh, I’m going to cook for us, can I call Zach? I won’t let him come over until tonight. Oh gosh, Ana is going to be so jealous,” she said, wringing her hands in excitement.

“Ok,” David agreed. 

Matteo just yawned and snuggled himself against David’s shoulder.

“Oh meu deus ele é tão adorável,” she whispered, before rushing back toward the kitchen.

Matteo giggled against his shoulder.

“She said I was adorable,” he murmured.

“He can understand you, Ines,” David called out after her.

“Um jovem tão inteligente,” she said, before heading to the kitchen.

David looked at him, 

“I think like _ I’m smart _ ? Or like _ clever _?”

“Oh she’s going to love you,” David said, leading Matteo to the bedroom. “I didn’t know you could speak Portuguese?”

“I can't. Like at all, but there are a few similar words to Italian and my Spanish is ok,” he said, dropping his bag in the corner of the room, then staring around, taking it all in.

“You failed Spanish though,” David reminded him.

“I can understand Spanish ok when I try, it's the exams I can't do. Speaking a language is one thing, sitting in a classroom with all those distractions trying to write an essay is something else. Hell I’d probably fail Italian and I'm fluent,” he said.

“I get you. Wanna sleep for a bit?” David gestured toward the bed.

Which embarrassingly was unmade. He’d gotten a bit lazy in his bad mood. 

“I wanna stay awake with you,” Matteo said, reaching out to take his hand. 

“I know, but you are dead on your feet. What time was your flight?” 

Matteo collapsed onto the bed pulling David with him.

“My pillow,” he murmured, burying his face in it. “Yay it smells of you now,” he sighed and rolled over to face David.

David reached out to stroke a hand through Matteo's hair, he couldn't believe he was really here. 

Matteo yawned and closed his eyes. 

“My flight was at eight, I had to be at Tegel for six, that's how much I love you,” he said. 

“Jonas went with you?” 

“Hanna, Kiki, and Amira too. Kiki helped me book everything and work out all the times,” Matteo said. 

“She's good at that,” David said.

“Yeah look,” he leant across David and pulled out sheets of crumpled paper from his jacket.

David took them and looked through the sheets. There were detailed instructions directing Matteo all the way from Newark to the campus. Further instructions to the apartment. Jonas was supposed to find out exactly where David was. That was why he'd been weird. 

There were little notes for spaces he could get to at the airport if he started to get overwhelmed. Instructions on how to take the subway, where his metrocard was valid, where he could change to the bus if the subway was too noisy and walking instructions if the bus was too much. And on every page in bright pink, a reminder to call her at any time if he was lost or stuck.

“I still had to call her, because I couldn't understand the lines. They make no sense David,” he groaned. 

“I know babe,” David agreed.

“Anyway everyone sends their love,” he said.

Matteo closed his eyes again and sighed. 

“I love you,” he whispered and then he was asleep before David could even reply.

“I love you too,” he said anyway. 

David didn't sleep just lay there with Matteo on his chest. Just watching him sleep. He couldn’t believe he was really here. He kept squeezing him gently just to prove to himself that he was real. Matteo would snuffle and sigh in his sleep whenever he did, and whenever he ran a hand through his hair or stroked his face, but he didn’t wake. 

So David just lay there calm and content, with his boyfriend in his arms where he belonged, as the room slowly darkened around them.

The peace was shattered when the door slammed open and Zach burst into the room, flooding the room with light from the hallway.

"Matteo is here?!" he demanded.

David glared at him. 

Matteo sat up slowly, blinking awake. He looked so confused, staring at them, mouth open. Slowly he realised what was going on.

“Hey,” he muttered, stretching and settling back against David. 

David wrapped his arms around him. 

“Go away Zach,” he said. 

Zach ignored him and jumped on the bed

“Hi Matteo!” he yelled. 

Matteo flinched a little and pressed closer to David who continued to glare.

“Sorry sorry,” Zach muttered, “Hey I can be quieter. Hi Matteo,” he said quietly.

“Hey Zach,” Matteo said.

“I can't believe you're here. In real life! This is amazing! But I can't believe you didn't tell me you were coming,” Zach said, frowning at him.

Matteo laughed.

“It had to be a surprise. No offence but you don't seem like you can keep a secret,” Matteo teased. 

“I'll have you know I kept a pretty big secret for like eighteen years actually,” Zach countered.

“Fair point,” Matteo agreed.

“So Ines has made dinner and Louisa is here too because she wants to meet you,” Zach said.

“Zach,” David warned.

David didn't want dinner, he just wanted to stay there with Matteo forever. He’d only just got Matteo back, he didn’t want to share him yet. He knew he was being childish but he didn’t care. 

“Cool I could eat, actually I’m starving,” he said.

He glanced over at David when he sighed heavily.

“Don't be grumpy we have forever now David, let me meet your friends,” he said. 

“Fine,” he muttered.

Matteo just smiled at him.

“How is Louisa, Zach?” David asked.

“Amazing as always,” Zach said with a sigh.

“Have you considered asking her out?” Matteo suggested.

“Shhh, she might hear you!”

“I don't get what's stopping you,” David said.

“Me neither,” Zach admitted. 

“You told her about you? That you're trans?” Matteo asked, “I thought that's what you were worried about. But she knows everything now right?”

“Yeah that was what was worrying me, then I told her and she was super cool but…”

“But?” David prompted.

“I don't know, I'm just scared,” Zach admitted. 

“That's fair. I'd say take your time but it's been almost a year. I don't know how much slower you can go,” Matteo teased. 

“Fuck you!”

“Let's eat then,” David said, sighing heavily, making sure they were both aware that he didn’t want to join them for dinner.

Zach just bounced out of the room David and Matteo following him.

“He's so cute,” Matteo said. 

“Yeah sometimes,” David said. 

They reached the kitchen Matteo stopped dead when he realised there were three pairs of eyes watching him. David gave him a gentle nudge, pushing him into the room.

“Er hi… I’m Matteo,” he said quietly. 

“Hi Matteo,” all three of them said in unison.

David rolled his eyes but Matteo blushed bright red and quickly sat down next to Zach, looking down at his hands. David sat on his other side, and Matteo immediately leant his head on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry Matteo I have a cure for that shyness, it’s called good wine!” Ines said placing three bottles of red wine on the table. They all allowed her to pour them some very large glasses, and then she began to serve up food.

“So David tells us you like to cook,” she said handing him a plate.

“Yes,” Matteo said, still shy.

“And you work in an Italian cafe?”

Matteo nodded.

“I love to cook too, this is just a baked spaghetti dish with sausage that my mama likes to cook, David says you love pasta, so I thought you’d like it,” Ines said.

“I love pasta it sounds great,” Matteo said.

“Er just to be clear you never cook us anything you think we’d like, you literally cook something and then say eat it or starve,” Zach said taking a plate.

“Matteo is a very special guest, plus he’s Italian I’ve got to make an extra effort,” Ines said.

“I’m sure it's great,” Matteo said quietly, David could tell he was getting uncomfortable from the attention.

“There’s no need you know? Matteo’s a great cook, but he will also eat anything,” David told them.

“Hey!”

“Whipped cream and pickle sandwiches babe,” David said, taking his plate.

“Fair point,” he said.

“No hold on what? That’s disgusting!” Louisa exclaimed.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Matteo insisted.

“It wasn’t good either,” David argued.

“I kinda liked it,” Matteo said.

"I know,” David said, “we were stoned,” he added.

“Ah,” Zach said.

“This is so good by the way,” Matteo said, stuffing his face.

“Hey I just realised you eat as messily as Matteo,” David said to Ines.

He watched the two of them and the similarity was uncanny.

“Good food does not wait for table manners,” Ines said, ignoring him.

“Oh I like that, that’s what I’m gonna say from now on,” Matteo said.

“My grandmother says it,” Ines told them.

“She sounds great,” Matteo said.

“She taught me to cook,” Ines said.

“My mama taught me, but my grandma taught her,” Matteo told her.

As annoyed as David was about having to leave his room and his little bubble with Matteo, this was nice. He’d never expected this to happen, Matteo coming to New York, meeting his friends, the little family he’d made that had got him through the year. It was also fun to watch Matteo get steadily drunker and drunker. Matteo could easily drink ten beers and still be able to walk just fine. Wine on the other hand? A couple of glasses and he was swaying, giggling, and dancing around the room.

After dinner, they headed to the living room, where Matteo draped himself over David on the bigger sofa. Forcing the other three onto the smaller one. 

The wine was making Matteo bolder and bolder. David was trying to listen to Louisa telling them about her poetry project, when Matteo interrupted, sitting up and leaving David feeling cold.

“So Louisa is there anybody special in your life?” he asked, tilting his wine glass at her.

He was so drunk.

“I wish…” she said, sighing. “But seriously there is this one guy,” she said.

David glanced over at Zach who looked devastated. What the hell was Matteo up to?

“Oh?” he said, leaning forward even further.

David had to wrap his arm around Matteo’s waist to keep him on the couch. 

“Yeah and like not my usual type at all,” Louisa said.

“What is your type?” Matteo asked. 

“Usually moody mysterious guys,” she said.

“I get you,” Matteo agreed. 

“Fuck off Matteo!” David said, shoving a pillow in his face.

Matteo yelped.

“And at first this guy fit the bill, but then as I got to know him he turned out to be the opposite. Seriously he's like Mickey Mouse on crack sometimes,” she said.

Matteo snorted and David started to realise what was happening, who she was talking about. He glanced at Ines who grinned and nodded. 

“So you're not into him anymore?” 

“No for some reason I'm even more into him,” she said.

Zach sighed and stood up. He looked sad and resigned, shoulders hunched.

“I'm gonna go home,” he said quietly. 

“Now hold on Zach you’re taking Louisa home and I want to hear more about her guy first,” Matteo said.

Zach looked at Matteo in disbelief. Like he couldn’t believe what he was doing. He had no idea what was really going on.

“Not my guy,” Lousia reminded him.

“Not yet. So this guy, is he in your class?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” she said.

“And is he from New York like you?” he asked. 

“No he's a real rural sort from like some backend town in Montana,” Louisa said.

Zach froze. He stared at them, first looking between Matteo and Louisa as he realised, then to David and Ines, as if they would tell him what to do.

“Oh my god,” he whispered.

“Ask her out you fucking fool!” Ines yelled, leaning forward, almost spilling her wine.

“Me? You’re talking about me?” Zach asked.

Louisa stood up and walked over to him.

“Yeah,” she whispered, “I'm talking about you.”

Zach rubbed the back of his neck nervously. 

“Oh…”

“Kiss her,” Matteo said.

“Ask her out,” David said.

“Can I kiss you?” Zach asked.

“You can,” Louisa said.

And he did, he leant in slowly, took her by the waist, and kissed her. Slowly. Soft but passionate, gentle but urgent. Because they’d waited almost a year for this.

“Perfect,” Matteo said, leaning back against David again. “I’m a genius,” he said.

Zach and Louisa broke apart, and just stood there staring at each other for a moment. Then they both grinned.

“So er… we’re gonna go, lots to talk about, but I want to hang out before you go home ok?” Zach said.

He was already eyeing the door, only half listening for a response.

“Go get some,” Matteo said.

David hit Matteo with the pillow again but Zach and Louisa just laughed as they practically ran out of the door.

“You're going to be so smug, aren't you?” David asked.

“Yup,” Matteo said.

David shoved him off and stood up. He held his hand out to Matteo who allowed him to pull him up.

“We're going to bed now, leave the washing up we'll do it in the morning,” David said. 

“Goodnight boys,” Ines said, winking at Matteo.

Matteo grinned dopily.

“We're going to have sexy times,” he said loudly.

David blushed.

“Not when your this drunk,” David said.

“Not drunk,” Matteo argued. 

“There is no way you would announce that to the room sober,” David said.

Matteo blushed when he realised what he’d said. Then he grinned.

“It’s only Ines she doesn’t mind,” he said.

“Yes it’s just lonely old Ines, with no cute boyfriend, she doesn’t mind at all,” Ines said from the couch.

Matteo swayed against him, David reached out to steady him and steered him toward the bedroom.

“We’ll have sex in the morning then,” he said, still too loudly. 

“Jesus Christ, right let's get you to bed Matteo,” David said. 

Matteo just flopped against him.

“Carry me,” he said.

David sighed but he crouched down and got one arm under Matteo’s knees, the other under his neck and lifted him bridal style, taking great care not to bump his head. Matteo just giggled as David dumped him on the bed.

“How were sexy times?” Ines asked as David walked into the kitchen the next morning.

David blushed and refused to make eye contact. He knew they’d been loud, but it had been nine months since they’d last had sex, they couldn’t help it. 

“It was great Ines thank you for asking,” Matteo said, walking into the kitchen, wearing just a t-shirt and boxers.

David stared at him, Matteo tended to get a bit cocky after sex, but only with him. He was never usually this bold around others. 

“Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged.

“Dunno I'm just happy,” he said draping himself over David.

Happy looked good on him, David had to admit.

“Want breakfast?” Matteo asked, pulling away to rifle through the cupboards.

“Please,” David said, sitting at the table.

“Ines?”

“I’m good,” Ines said, watching Matteo snooping through the fridge.

He pulled out eggs, cheese, and some jars. Then grabbed some bread from the counter, sniffing it. He seemed satisfied and turned to the stove, lighting it and grabbing a pan.

“What are you boys doing today?” Ines asked.

“Tourist shit,” Matteo said, whisking the eggs.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah all of it,” Matteo said.

“All of it?” Ines asked, confused.

“That way we can just chill here the rest of the time,” David explained.

Ines looked scandalised.

“You’re in New York and you’re just going to spend the rest of the time here, Matteo there’s so much to see,” she said.

“Well not here, but like in a park or a library or somewhere, just chill out it's a vacation,” David explained.

“But there's so much to see,” Ines repeated.

“And so many people,” Matteo muttered.

“Ah, not a fan?” Ines asked, finally understanding their reasoning.

“Not at all,” Matteo said. 

He handed David the plate of bread and then the eggs. He turned back to grab some coffee, already at home in the kitchen.

“Thanks babe,” David said.

“Well, I’m pretty sure Zach will be over all the time too. Or he would have been if you hadn't played that little trick with Louisa,” Ines said.

“I know I’m a genius,” Matteo said, grinning with a mouthful of bread.

“Right I gotta bounce, later boys,” she said getting up from the table.

“Bye!” they chorused.

“What?” Matteo asked when he realised that David was staring at him.

“You seem all confident,” David said.

Matteo frowned.

“Is that bad?” he asked.

“No I like it, it’s hot,” David admitted.

“I dunno, like I've been working a lot with Zoe on being more like… not letting people tell me what to do so much,” Matteo said.

“More assertive,” David said.

"Yeah," Matteo mumbled, looking down at his plate. 

There was something there, something he wasn't telling David. 

"How come? Like why now?" David asked. 

"Ok, earlier in the year there was this big group project I did. And it was really heavy going and I just… I ended up doing all the work. Man, I finally knew how Amira felt in high school trying to drag me through bio," he muttered. 

"Ok but in high school you were depressed, Amira persisted because she cares about you," David reminded him.

Matteo kept fidgeting, but David waited. 

"So remember back in March? When I was so tired? I kept falling asleep and I was up late a lot," Matteo said. 

"Yeah?" 

Matteo had gone through what David had thought was just a normal period of exhaustion, it happened sometimes. When his sleep got messed up and his mood dipped. Nothing too serious it just meant Matteo slept more than usual for a while to catch up. 

"Ok don’t get mad it's done now, but I just… I didn't know how to get them to pull their weight. And I didn't want to seem like I was complaining to the teachers so I just did it all, because I wanted to do well, and I didn't tell anyone, not even Amira. But it was a six-person project and it just… it pretty much wiped me out."

David slammed a hand on the table, frustrated. It was a testament to how comfortable Matteo was around him that he didn't even flinch, just bit his lip and watched him carefully. 

"Matteo!" 

"See I didn't tell you because you would get all annoyed-" 

"Well I am annoyed," David muttered. 

"I would have told you if you were home, and I could've vented to you, but sometimes its harder over the phone because you'd worry about me too much. But you wouldn't have been able to do anything. So I told Zoe, that's what she's for," Matteo said, he shrugged. 

David didn't feel quite so chill about it, but he felt better knowing Matteo had gone to Zoe, even if he had kept it all a secret at the time. 

"Ok, ok, that's good," David said. 

"And she made me go to my professor and tell her what happened," Matteo said, shuffling nervously. 

He felt guilty even now David realised, guilty for complaining. David sighed and took his hand. 

"Ok?" 

“I didn't want to get anyone in trouble," Matteo mumbled. "I felt like such a narc." 

David chuckled at that. 

"Matteo you needed to speak up about this," he said. 

"Yeah, but they lost the grade, because of me," Matteo said. 

David shook his head, pushing his chair closer and pressing a kiss to Matteo's temple. This boy, what was he going to do with him? 

"They lost the grade because they didn't do the work, it was never their grade in the first place," he said. 

"Yeah. So Zoe was concerned about how passive I'd been about the whole thing. So we’re working on it, it’s nice, I feel… I don't know… like confident, like I'm allowed to be cheeky and chatty with people, like how I am with just you, I like it," he explained. 

But still, he looked at David still chewing his lip nervously. 

"I like it too," David whispered. 

That was all Matteo needed to hear. He grinned at him and climbed onto his lap. The chair creaked loudly. It was not strong enough for two grown boys. 

"Matteo," David warned, not wanting to end up on the floor. 

"No one is here," Matteo whispered, leaning forward and tracing his lips along David’s jaw, down his neck. David shuddered. How the hell had he gone so long without this? Never again. 

He ran his hands down Matteo's back to the hem of his shirt and lifted it, needing to feel his skin. He felt hot, dizzy with it, it was ridiculous really, they'd had sex twenty minutes ago. Matteo pushed against him more and the chair creaked loudly. It was going to collapse if they kept this up. 

"Fuck," David muttered against Matteo's neck. 

He bit down carefully causing Matteo to yelp and shudder in his arms. Right they were moving. 

He gripped Matteo's hips and stood up, Matteo instantly wrapped his legs around his waist so that David had to take all his weight. 

"Fuck," he repeated, steadying himself. 

Matteo pulled back to look at him, he just smiled dreamily at him. 

"Bedroom?" he whispered. 

David couldn't even think he just nodded, tightened his grip on Matteo and stumbled forward, carrying him to the bedroom. It was not graceful at all, but he didn't care. 

He only just made it to his room, kicking the door shut behind him and dropping Matteo heavily onto the bed. Immediately falling on top of him, wrapping himself around him again. He never wanted to let go of Matteo again, he wanted him close like this forever. 

He wanted to entwine their bodies and never separate. Matteo gripped him just as tight, clinging to him desperately now, and David knew he felt the same. He was pulling at his clothes, but he couldn't get them off with the way David was clinging to him. 

"David?" he whispered. 

Finally, David lifted his head from where he'd buried it against Matteo's neck. Matteo was looking up at him, eyes soft and fond. He reached out and wiped the tears from David’s cheeks with gentle fingers. 

"David it's ok, I'm here," he whispered. 

"You're really here," he breathed. 

This time when Matteo reached for his hoodie, David helped him get it off. Flinging it across the room and knocking his papers off the desk. 

Matteo just laughed and reached out to run gentle fingers across David’s bare skin. He was memorising him again.

“Naked,” Matteo murmured, reaching for David’s joggers. 

“What?” David gasped as Matteo’s gentle fingers slipped underneath the material.

Then he was pushing them down David’s legs and David was kicking them off. 

“You're naked. Under your jumper, no binder, no boxers either,” he observed. 

“You’re one to fucking talk, coming out into the kitchen in your underwear,” David muttered.

Matteo just grinned.

“Felt like a waste of time when we would just end up here again,” he said.

That had been David’s reasoning too. 

He got Matteo's shirt off and had to stop for a minute just to put his head on his chest, just to listen to his heart. Matteo didn't complain just threaded his fingers into David's already tangled hair. 

It had been rushed earlier, their desperation winning out. 

Now David was going to take his time, he was finally going to make up for the time and distance. He was finally going to heal the pain that had been in his heart since the moment he'd stepped onto that plane. 

Finally, he reached down and pulled down Matteo's boxers and then they were naked together again. He could stay like this forever. Every inch of his skin was warm against Matteo, the cold loneliness of their separation melting away. 

Matteo just sighed and David knew he was feeling the same. He crawled up him, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake, before he reached Matteo's lips, and pressed their mouths together, barely even kissing, just breathing in everything Matteo. 

Matteo sighed and shifted against him as they kissed. And maybe they didn't quite have forever.

David shivered, as he felt Matteo’s fingers trail down his sides, gentle but firm, only one destination in mind. He sighed into Matteo’s mouth when they reached their target, sinking into his waiting body, a bone-deep shudder going through him as they lit him up from the inside.

“Matteo,” he whispered, rocking against his hand, and fuck slow, he wasn’t going to manage slow with Matteo touching him like that.

He reached down to grab Matteo, keen to get him as close as he felt. 

"David," he groaned against his lips when David’s sure hand circled his cock.

"I've got you, I'm going to take care of you baby,” David whispered. 

Matteo just nodded, eyes wide staring up at him. They moved in sync, their rhythm coming back to them like old memories, it would always be this way, David realised. The two of them moving together in harmony, as one. Because Matteo knew him, knew him better than he knew himself. Knew what he needed, when to push, when to hold back, when to go fast when to go slow. He read it on his face, in his body, in the sounds he made, like it was some ancient sacred text and he was the last man on earth who could read it.

And David knew this because he felt the exact same way. It was understanding on a level they would never quite understand, just had to accept, which was easy for them. It was the only thing that made sense.

“Matteo,” David gasped as he twisted his fingers just right.

And then he was coming, falling forward as he did, body shaking as Matteo wrapped his free arm around him holding him close. David still had a hand on Matteo’s cock but it was useless now, he’d lost all coordination, just loosely stroking it, while Matteo whispered sweet words in his ear bringing him back down.

“Need you in me,” David murmured against Matteo’s shoulder when he could breathe again.

“Romantic,” Matteo whispered, but he knew that now wasn’t the time for jokes.

He carefully rolled them over and reached out to grab a condom and lube from the nightstand. A condom from the big box Hans and Jonas had apparently snuck into Matteo’s luggage, much to Matteo’s mortification at airport security. He’d found them when he was taking his electronics out of his rucksack and almost died. 

David took it from him and rolled it on, and slicked him up and then Matteo was pushing in and David was sighing like all was right with the world again. God, he’d missed this. Missed feeling Matteo moving in him. They didn't do it this way very often, they had other preferences, but right now it was exactly what David needed. He needed to feel Matteo as close as possible, needed to feel like nothing could ever separate them again. Needed to feel Matteo.

Matteo clearly felt the same, he was shaking with it, rocking above him like he was about to fall apart. His eyes were wet and shining and he had one of David’s hands in a vice grip as he thrust into him deep. He moved so slowly like he couldn’t bear to rush it, but David was already getting desperate. 

“Matteo, it’s ok,” David soothed, reaching out with his free had to stroke his face and pull him down to kiss him.

Matteo kissed him gentle and slow and pulled back. David keened as Matteo hit him in all the right places, gasped as he moved his free hand down to help get David there quicker.

“David I… I…”

David blinked as a tear hit his face. David pulled his face back down and this time he didn’t let go, held him so his forehead was pressed against his own.

“I know, I know, never again-”

He broke off to gasp when Matteo hit him particularly deep.

“You have to promise,” Matteo begged as he sped up his thrusts. “Promise me!”

David groaned as Matteo thrust hard and deep, he was losing his rhythm now, so close to the edge. But it didn’t matter, he was closer.

“I promise Matteo, I fucking promise you, I will never leave you again,” he whispered.

This time when he fell over the edge he kept his focus, he looked up at Matteo as he came too, their eyes met, Matteo’s slightly unfocused. But he saw him, saw that he’d understood. Saw the relief in his eyes as the words settled in. Saw that tired fear finally leaving him. He untangled his fingers from Matteo’s grip to wrap an arm around him, to hold him close as they shook with both their release and their relief.

"So tourist things," David said, as they lay there afterwards, still completely tangled up in each other. 

He didn’t want to move.

"Ugh," Matteo groaned, obviously feeling the same way.

“We don’t have to,” David offered, tracing his fingers over Matteo's chest. 

He'd barely stopped touching him since he'd gotten him back. Still stuck in disbelief, but he knew he couldn't dream this up. 

“No we can, I want to," Matteo said." But just one day, all the attractions, all the photos, all that shit. Then the rest three weeks it can be just us together before we head back,” Matteo said.

In the end, David managed to drag Matteo around the city, for three days of tourist activities. They visited Time Square and the Statue of Liberty, from the outside, neither of them particularly keen to be trapped inside with thousands of other tourists. They got shitty last-minute seats to Phantom of the Opera that still cost a fortune, and Matteo could barely follow along with the English for that long, but he was captivated by it all nonetheless. David had to admit he barely saw the show, too focussed on the soft absorbed expression on Matteo's face as he sat forward on the edge of his seat, mouth open, eyes wide in wonder. 

David should have realised sooner that his choir boy would love musicals. This was definitely happening again. He would take him to all the musicals in Berlin.

They lost a whole day in Central Park, just wandering, playing around, stuffing their faces with junk. Matteo conceded he was willing to come back, although he'd prefer it with fewer people. So they decide to find smaller quieter parks and do the same again.

David loved the Empire State Building the most, being that high up, staring out over the city. They’d gone up at night. He'd always had a thing for rooftops. Matteo not so much, he'd stayed well back, content just to watch David rather than the unforgettable views of New York from twelve hundred feet up. 

Grand Central Station was the final straw for him though, David had been a couple of times during his stay but he'd wanted to show Matteo how beautiful it was. He allowed David to drag him around, pointing out his favourite features, all the architecture. The ceilings and the clocks, the whispering gallery Matteo liked, and he let David pull him through the market keeping a tight grip on his hand. But he didn't say a word the entire time and David knew he was done. 

No amount of convincing was going to get him back to those crowded attractions. And that was fine, Matteo’s comfort came first. He’d been there all year he’d seen it all. He’d shared his favourite things with Matteo. If he’d seen enough then he’d seen enough.

After two days spent with Matteo curled up in bed exhausted from it all, they spent the rest of the time doing more low key things. They hung out with Zach and Louisa, went out on double dates and embarrassed him like proud parents. But they kept it up the entire time because they could tell how much Zach loved it, needed it. They may not be his parents but they were his family now.

Matteo spent a lot of time with Ines, trading cooking tips and drinking far too much wine. David didn’t complain because he got to eat all the food they made. They face-timed Ana one time because she was devastated that he’d missed him. David just watched blankly as she spoke to Matteo in rapid Portuguese, and he hesitantly replied back in Italian. It wasn’t a fluency by any means, but the delay seemed to come from the way Matteo liked to process his thoughts and words carefully, rather than a lack of understanding. David just sat there, impressed at how smart his boy was as always.

Toward the end of the visit. David took Matteo to his school, showed him around. He introduced him to his friends and classmates, the few that were remaining in New York rather than going home for the summer. He even introduced Matteo to a few of his professors, who sang his praises and made David blush, and Matteo grin proudly. He’d shown Matteo his final project on the big screen in the auditorium, a private viewing just for him. As predicted Matteo had cried, pretty much from the first scene. Then David had cried too when Matteo told him how proud he was through his tears. And that if this was how good his uni films were what on earth were they going to do when he was up for all the awards.

David hadn’t realised how wonderful it could be to have someone believe in you so much that they had so much faith in your success. Matteo truly believed he was capable of winning Oscars and Baftas and all the awards. It felt amazing to have that kind of belief put in him. 

Matteo begrudgingly went along to a few lgbtq+ society meetings, knowing how important the group was to David. How they’d helped him that year, with his loneliness, and also when he had that freak out over his parents. It had been good to talk to people who shared his experience, and this time open up himself. Because sometimes he needed to talk to more people than Matteo and Laura. 

It was actually talking to Jonas that time when Matteo was depressed that helped him realise that. Because he’d told him how he’d felt and it had felt good. And even though Jonas was useless at helping, he’d tried and that was enough. So he’d learnt to open up more, and talk, because even if people couldn’t help him, they tried, even if they could do nothing more than tell him his feelings were valid.

Zach somehow convinced him and Matteo to join them on a night out. They’d danced and gotten drunk and ran through the streets shouting and laughing.

But most of their remaining time, they’d spent locked away in David's room, just them hidden away together, catching up on what the distance had taken from them. Relearning each other, memorising each other's bodies again and again. Finally satisfying the longing and yearning that had built over their nine months apart. 

It was different between them now, after the desperation had settled down, there was a soft calmness and peace between them that David didn’t remember from before. It felt almost as if this had been some great test they’d overcome, some great challenge that they’d survived.

Nothing had changed between them, yet it felt like everything had.

Before he’d left David never thought their relationship could get stronger than it was. They were solid. He’d known the year was going to be hard, but he’d known too that it wouldn't break them. And it hadn’t, but it had made them so much stronger. Somehow that time apart, the distance between them had pushed their love and made it deeper, more complex and unyielding.

Reuniting with Matteo had been pure joy and bliss, but it had also been inevitable. David would always go back to Matteo, he was drawn to him always, across cities, continents, and oceans. Wherever Matteo as was where David wanted to be. He could never stay away. It was them. Just them. Nothing in the world could distract them from each other in those moments. 

The time flew by, at a pace so much faster than the last few months, even the build-up to exams hadn’t gone as quickly as their three weeks in New York together. Before they knew it they were at the airport. David’s flight was in an hour, Matteo, who couldn’t get tickets for the same flight, had another four hours. He was waiting at the gate with him. He had nowhere else to go, so he was just going to bum around the airport until his flight.

David didn’t want to leave him behind. He was feeling clingy. He was being stupid he knew that. Jonas and Hanna would be meeting him at the other end and they’d wait for Matteo’s flight together. It would be fine. It was twelve hours. And then they’d be together again. They’d managed nine months apart he didn’t know why this was so hard.

Matteo was quiet too, just leaning on his shoulder staring out at the airfield.

“I don’t think I can do this again,” he whispered.

David looked at him. He refused to look back, just continued to stare. He looked like he was about to cry,

“The flight?” David asked.

Matteo shook his head.

“You leaving me behind again,” Matteo whispered.

David got up from his chair and knelt down in front of Matteo.

“Matteo look at me,” he said.

Matteo shook his head.

“Please,” David whispered.

Slowly Matteo turned his head, looking down at David, his eyes were shining. David reached out and cupped his chin.

“I won’t leave you again, not ever. Matteo, I won’t-”

“You will though. You’ll have to, the kind of work you want to do, you’ll need to travel,” Matteo said.

He closed his eyes and a tear trickled down his cheek, David wiped it away with his thumb. David had thought about this too, he’d had all year to think about it. He’d known he would need to start making decisions, the important decisions about his future, and he would need to make them soon. But he knew what he wanted.

“I- I can’t come with you if you have to move away. I know I said I’d follow you around... but I don’t think I can. I couldn’t leave mama. I really liked it here but I couldn’t live here, I need things the way they are at home, David I couldn’t survive-”

But David knew even though Matteo said he couldn’t, he would. He would come with him anyway, no matter how hard it was for him. No matter how difficult and how bad it was for his mental health. Matteo would follow him. And he didn’t deserve that. But it didn’t matter because he wasn’t leaving.

“I know. I know but I’m not leaving again Matteo,” David repeated.

“But-”

“I’m not leaving. Not ever. Not for this long at least, not ever again. I know I used to talk of running away, going to Detroit, to New York and LA, but I don’t want that, any of that. I can make films at home, I want to make films at home,” he explained.

Matteo shook his head.

“No David you shouldn’t limit yourself because of me-”

“But don’t you get it? It’s not because of you, Matteo this year was hell for _ me _ . I mean yes it was great and yes it was worth it, but literally, in the end, the only thing that got me through was knowing that when it was over I would never have to leave you again. I don’t even care if the makes me co-dependent, I don't give a shit, Matteo. I never want to be apart from you like that again. Maybe some people can handle that kind of relationship but I can’t ok? I want what you talked about before, our future together in our little apartment. That’s what I want. Not some lonely fucking studio in LA, surrounded by people who don’t give a shit about me. It’s for _ me _, I’m doing it for me,” he said.

He stopped to take a breath. He felt panicky and on edge. This was big and probably not a conversation they should be having in an airport surrounded by strangers. But it needed to be said. And David didn’t want to get on that plane before Matteo understood how he felt.

“Oh,” was all Matteo said.

He still wouldn’t look at him, staring down at his hands, instead. Suddenly David couldn’t keep it in anymore, the thoughts that had been in the back of his mind all year.

"Matteo marry me," he said.

That got his attention, his head snapped up and he stared at David, eyes wide.

“What?”

“Fuck, fuck! I didn’t mean to do that,” David muttered.

The corner of Matteo’s mouth twitched.

“You don’t want to marry me?”

David realised he was still on his knees in front of Matteo, if he'd had a ring he could have done it properly. If he hadn’t just blurted it out like that. He rubbed his hand over his face.

“Shit not like this, I wanted to do it properly,” he said. 

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“I'm gonna do it properly,” David insisted. 

“So you’re taking it back?”

“No, I just… Ok you can expect the most romantic proposal you've ever witnessed in like a month, ok?”

Matteo just smiled at him, soft and fond. He reached out and pulled David up, and onto his lap.

“Ok,” he whispered.

David leant forward and pressed his forehead against Matteo’s before pulling back and settling against his chest. Nobody paid them any attention, and right now he wouldn’t have cared if they did.

“I'm gonna say yes by the way,” Matteo said. “As if I could say anything else.”

David looked at his watch.

“Twenty minutes,” he said.

“You’re really not gonna leave again?” Matteo asked, he sounded doubtful and unsure, but not as devastated as he had earlier. 

There was hope in there too.

“Yes, I could make big blockbusters in LA. Yes, I could make artsy films in New York. But why should I? Why can’t I make films at home?” David asked.

“Because they won’t do as well,” Matteo said.

“No, they won’t make as much money. It’s not the same as them doing well. You’ll love them right?”

“Of course,” Matteo said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“And Laura and mama and all our friends will love them,” David continued.

“Everyone will love them, David, everyone in the world,” Matteo insisted.

“Well then, that’s it. That’s what I want, I’d rather make a well-received clever and thought-provoking film back home, than some Hollywood crap. And I might film on location, but like… in Europe. We have so many places in reach where I could go, and you could visit me on set, and I could come home on weekends and it’ll all work out, I know it will,” David said. “And to be honest, even if I did have to come back here, it would never ever be for that long, and it wouldn’t be until I was earning enough to come back to you all the time.”

“Really?”

“Yes because I’m not going to be some absent husband Matteo when we build our lives together we are going to be _together_. When we do have children, I don't want to be an absent father either. I don’t want to be alone ever again Matteo,” he said.

He could see the moment Matteo got it, his eyes lit up and he beamed at him.

“Ok,” he whispered.

“So we’re agreed?”

Matteo nodded. 

“We are,” he said.

“So this is what’s going to happen. I’m gonna fly back, I’ll meet up with Hanna and Jonas. We’ll wait for you, I'll make sure I grab some food, ‘cause you’ll be starving by the time you land. Then Hanna is gonna drive us back to our apartment because she’s nice like that. And Jonas has already promised no welcome back party because I can't deal with that right now,” David said.

“Me neither,” Matteo said.

“Maybe in a few days, but for now we’ll go back to our apartment, just you and me. We’re going to shut ourselves away, it’s going to be just us. And then I guess we can hang out with everyone after a few days. And then we’ve got all summer ahead of us, and maybe we could go somewhere, but I’m happy just staying home too.”

Matteo nodded, they had time to figure something out.

“Next year is my final year. Then I'll get a job, something low paid but in the industry and I'm gonna have to work hard. Then two years later you will graduate, and you will,” David insisted before Matteo could even argue. “And then you’ll get a job, or not but you’ll just keep programming your apps like you’re already doing. And you’ll probably keep working at the cafe too for a while because you enjoy it so why give it up?”

“Right and then what?” Matteo asked. 

David sat back and looked at him.

“What do you want to happen?” he asked.

“We get married?” Matteo suggested.

“We get married,” David agreed.

“And then we…”

“Get a bigger apartment maybe? Or a house if we can afford it. And a dog or a cat?”

“Both,” Matteo said.

“Yes both, an older dog and a kitten,” David suggested.

“Yes! And the dog will look after the kitten and they'll become best friends, like that comic I like,” Matteo said.

David grinned at him.

“And then we’ll just chill like that for a few years and just work and save and go on holiday and have fun and then when we start getting old and boring…”

“Then it's time for kids,” Matteo said, smiling.

“Hell yeah, and they’ll be like really cool kids, and we’ll be totally embarrassing parents and still super in love and heavy on the pda and we’ll make them cringe all the time with how sappy we still are,” David said, taking Matteo’s hand and threading their fingers together.

“God it’s gonna be amazing,” Matteo said, his voice soft and reverent.

“I can’t wait,” David whispered, looking down at their entwined hands.

He really couldn't. His whole childhood he’d thought there was something wrong with him. Then when he’d started figuring himself out, and realised he was trans, he’d resigned himself to being alone. He had thought it was inevitable, he couldn’t even imagine finding someone to accept him. Settling down and starting a family was just out of the question. If he could talk to fifteen-year-old David now… well, there wouldn’t be any point. Fifteen-year-old David was sad, lonely and furious with the world. But he would tell him anyway. That in six years time twenty-year-old David would be sitting with his partner, his future fiance and husband, his soulmate, in an airport in New York, on his way to finishing uni, planning out his future, without a care in the world.

And fifteen-year-old David would probably just tell him to fuck off, that there was no such thing as soulmates, but he would be wrong. David was so happy to be wrong. And so excited for the future. His future. Matteo’s future. Their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this one is over, I didn't want to post this update because it's the last one and I didn't want it to end. But all things come to end. I have enjoyed writing this fic so much. This fic started from the prompt: " 'the bed feels cold without you' maybe like after an argument or like time away from each other where neither of them know how to express how much they've missed each other when they first see each other again?" So the first scene that I wrote was the scene where they're just standing there on the college green, and it just somehow grew from there.
> 
> Anonymous prompter if you're still reading, I hope you liked it.
> 
> I hope anyone reading enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Thank you, everyone, for all your kind comments and kudos.
> 
> I'm thinking because I'm not one for letting go of things, I might add more in this universe, missing scenes and things, like when they moved in together, Christmasses with Matteo's mama, their future that sort of thing.
> 
> [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Love it? Hate it? Let me know.
> 
> As always I'm taking prompts on tumblr @youmustbestrongernow.


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